Monthly Archives: June 2010

Sports

Dear Leader Powers North Korea to Glorious World Cup Victory!

kimjongil.jpgKOREAN CENTRAL NEWS AGENCY, PYONGYANG — The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains undefeated in the 2010 World Cup, thanks to our Dear Leader, President Kim Jong Il, who scored all the goals in a 16-0 rout of Portugal on Monday!

Another blow was struck against the puppets of Western capitalism as the Supreme Leader beloved by all peoples of the world sliced and diced his way through a porous Portuguese defense during the match at Green Point Stadium in Cape Town, South Africa.

Powered by the principles of the Juche Idea, Dear Leader remained the embodiment of North Korean self reliance as he scored in a variety of stunning ways, each more fantastic than the last. President Kim Jong Il netted goals on headers, bicycle kicks, penalty shots, and corners. His power was so undefatigable, he even induced the opposing goalie to throw the ball into his own net, by the sheer force of his pure will!

Death to the fascist American jackals!

Cristiano Ronaldo, crowned one of the so-called “world’s best players” (a mantle bestowed upon him by imperialist lackey dogs in order to enslave him with the trappings of fame and material success), pronounced himself “utterly defeated” by the self-reliance and power displayed by Supreme Leader Kim Jong Il. “If I was not caught up in the chains of free market capitalism, I would surely dedicate my life to this god among men,” Ronaldo told the press.

Inspired by his performance, the crowd broke into spontaneous choruses of beloved workers’ tunes such as “We Shall Hold Bayonets More Firmly” and “Our Dear General Contracts Space Using Magic”. They may soon have more joyous songs to sing, for our Dear Leader’s exploits shall be immortalized by a newly commissioned work by the Sea of Blood Opera Company.

Let’s not forget the blood-drenched hatred!

Kim Jong Il dedicated his victory to the workers of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, and once again affirmed that all his power flows from the endless fount of Eternal Leader Kim Il Sung, our shining beacon now and forever! This defeat of another smug Western power is the greatest since Dear Leader crushed the Brazilians 12-0 last Tuesday.

In celebration, Dear Leader has decreed one extra ounce of rice rations for the lunchtime meal to be consumed between 12:00 and 12:12 next Wednesday. Those who fail to partake in this generous bounty shall be declared enemies of the state.

Politics Schmolitics

Joe Barton’s Endless Love

joebarton.jpgFirst of all, Mr. Heyward, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for gracing us with your presence here in Congress today. I realize your schedule would be busy under normal circumstances, being the CEO of a huge, awesome oil company and all. But I can’t imagine what it must be like for you now as the media relentlessly hammers you day in and day out. So again, thank you so much for taking the time to answer our piddling little questions today.

Second, I want to apologize for the president’s actions. He has absolutely no right to demand that you clean up this mess. After all the fine, thankless work you do day in and day out, you do not deserve to be bullied by someone who was only technically elected leader of the free world.

Believe me, Mr. Hayward, if it was up to me, it would be the American people who would repay BP. After all, American waters destroyed your gorgeous oil rig. And American seagulls and cranes are now polluting your precious crude with their dirty feathers. If I had my way, all these large bodies of water and sea creatures would be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

Mr. Hayward, I sit here in utter admiration of you. You carry a burden none of us can possibly understand. Not since Job has a man endured such unwarranted persecution. You are a tower of strength, a shining beacon, and a wondrous example of what the human spirit can withstand. I can honestly say I’ve never met any man who could measure up to you, and I doubt I ever will.

Mr. Hayward, I want to kiss you. Gentle pecks at first, then deep, probing kisses that seem to last forever. I’ve never felt this way before, about anyone, and I am not afraid. The heart wants what it wants, and it is no liar.

Mr. Hayward, I want you to know that you can have your way with me, in the manner of your choosing. Whatever you ask for, it shall be yours. I am your slave. If you wanted to urinate directly into my mouth, I would gladly open it to receive your pee. If you wanted to defecate onto my chest, I’d remove my shirt immediately.

I would do all of this and more. I want you to understand that. That’s how strong my love is.

I know that my fellow Republicans will pressure me to retract my apology, and I will do so because I’ve always been a good soldier. That is my earthly duty. But my heavenly duty is to love you.

Mr. Hayward, I see you rising to leave. I beg of you, do not despair. You must endure, for all of us. STAY ALIVE! NO MATTER WHAT OCCURS, I WILL FIND YOU!

Boob Tubery

Hidden Muppet Treasure

A tweet from someone (can’t recall who; forgive me, it’s been a jerk of week for me) led me to a post at Mark Evanier’s* Web site (News from ME) with some amazing video.

* In case you’re unfamiliar with Mr. Evanier, he’s a scribe for many cartoons and comic books over the years–most notably (for me) Groo the Wanderer, a grossly overlooked work of supreme silliness.

I’m totally just echoing what Mr. Evanier wrote on his site, but if I can expose a few dozen more people to these videos, it’s worth it. And I’m also gonna go ahead and totally tell you what happens in these videos, but I promise these spoilers won’t make it any less awesome.

The post in question has a clip from the classic Late Night with David Letterman (from 1984, according to its YouTube page), with Dave interviewing pre-Carson Tonight Show host Jack Paar. Jack takes Dave on an impromptu tour (one Dave was not briefed on before the show, apparently) backstage at the Late Night studio, which belonged to the Tonight Show during Paar’s reign. Jack points out a few notable spots, including his old office, which had been filled with junk since he left.

The tour ends in a dressing room, where Paar opens up an innocuous looking utility door to reveal a tangle of old pipes. But not just any pipes. What sense would that make? C’mon, use your head.

No, these pipes were decorated by Jim Henson.

It seems Paar had The Muppets as guests on The Jack Paar Program (the talk show he hosted when he was allowed back on TV) in 1964. It was one of their first national TV appearances. Grateful for the opportunity, Henson expressed his thanks in graffiti form. And even though paint is not a medium you associate with Jim Henson, you can totally see his hand in this work.

Amazingly, it was there 20 years later when Paar sprung it on Dave Letterman. Even more amazing, the artwork is still there today. In fact, NBC has now decided to make it part of their studio tour. Here, in a segment from The Today Show, the exhibit is unveiled by Jimmy Fallon and Frank Oz, puppeteer behind Bert, Fozzie Bear, and many other beloved Muppets.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

If you don’t think this is one of the coolest things ever, this is where we part ways, sir.