Monthly Archives: May 2010

Baseball

Nathan Thurm Charlie Manuel Explains Himself

nathanthurm.jpgCharlie, what do you say to accusations that your team has been stealing signs?

I’d say that those accusations…I’d have to see who was doing the accusing before I rushed to any judgment.

Your team was formally reprimanded by the commissioner’s office for stealing signs. This complaint I have here…

I know what that is.

Let me finish, please. This complaint I have here was lodged by the Rockies after they spotted your bullpen coach using binoculars to try and steal signs from their catcher. What do you have to say about that?

Yes, the Phillies have been stealing signs. Don’t you think I know that? It’s my team. I’m quite aware of that!

And this is not the first time the accusation has been lobbed at your team. The Dodgers complained about sign stealing during the last NLCS, and the Mets suspected sign stealing during their last series in Philadelphia.

How about this: The Mets have won a lot of games at home and not so many on the road. Have you ever thought that maybe they’re stealing signs? Why don’t you go ask them about that?

Even though they just lost two out of three at home to the Nationals.

Maybe you’re stealing signs. Have you ever thought about that?

I don’t manage a baseball team.

Why does it have to be a manager of a baseball team who steals signs? Have you ever thought about that? It’s not me, right? It’s him, isn’t it?

Baseball

Bud Selig on Series Relocation

budselig2.jpgAs you all know, the G20 Summit is happening in Toronto this summer. You guys all knew that, right? Because I sure as hell didn’t. Not when I was making the schedules for this season, anyway. Oh well, live and…live and…how does the rest of that go? Eh, it’s not important.

Anywhoozle, the G20 Summit will attract some of the world’s most dangerous, ski-hatted anarchists, who threaten to stand around in streets chanting things in a vaguely upsetting matter, then disperse. I take this threat very seriously, even if 75 percent of these anti-capitalist groups are comprised of undercover FBI agents snitching on the other 25 percent. During this summit, Toronto may be safe enough to host the finance ministers of the world’s 20 leading economies, but it certainly won’t be safe enough for Alex Rios and Placido Polanco.

That’s why I’m moving the interleague series between the Blue Jays and the Phillies down to Philadelphia. I understand that this may give one team a serious advantage. After all, the Blue Jays won their last World Series against the Phillies, and surely the memories of Joe Carter and Paul Molitor will give Toronto a huge psychic advantage! But I think the Phillies are talented enough to overcome this.

My office did give some consideration to moving this series to a neutral site. But I remember two years ago, we moved an Astros/Cubs series from Houston to Milwaukee, and many fans thought it was unfair to relocate those games to a city so close to Chicago. This time, to remove any ambiguity, I decided to just move the series to the other team’s home field so there would be no question about who was getting hosed.

Some say I could have moved the games to Buffalo or Montreal or some other city like that. But then I’d have to find out the names of the stadiums in those cities. And then I’d have to find out who runs them. And then I’d have to find out their phone number. And then what if they don’t answer the phone? Ugh, who’s got time for that kind of hassle?!

I do understand that other teams in the NL East feel this gives an unfair edge to the Phillies, but I’d like to point out that each of them has an advantage of their own, which I feel cancels out this effect:

  • The Mets will play in Puerto Rico this summer at the end of June, and you know how much Those People like hot, Caribbean temperatures. Fuck, did I say that out loud?
  • The Marlins, in addition to playing in that series in Puerto Rico, have an average attendance of 300 people per game, which really cuts down on the pressure to perform.
  • The Braves have Jason Heyward, who can heal lepers, I’ve heard.
  • And the Nationals will be eliminated in the Great MLB Downsizing I have planned for 2015, so I’m not too worried about making them happy.

There you go, it’s a win-win situation. Actually, it’s a win-win-win situation, since the Phillies will totally sweep that series. Especially if they use that other advantage we’ve been letting them get away with.

Baseball

Bud Selig Addresses the Arizona Question

budselig2.jpg
Don’t think Major League Baseball is unaware of or insensitive to the situation in Arizona, just because we haven’t acknowledged it in any way so far. I just think it’s unwise to rush into any action or statement or movement until we have all the facts.

Rest assured, my Fact Gatherers are out there right now, gathering those facts. Yup, they are working hard, and as soon as they’re done with their work, that’s when the work of the Fact Interpreters begins. And once those guys are done with their work, we have to call in the Action Recommenders, who recommend actions based on those facts.

And when all of that is taken care of, we have to bring in someone to clean up the facts and file them away so the office looks neat and tidy. Clean office, clean business, I always say. It’s a long, involved process, people.

Stalling? I’m not stalling. What makes you think I’m stalling? I can’t believe you would think something like that. That’s just…did you eat? Can I get you something? How about some coffee?

However, I want to say right up front that we will not consider moving the All Star Game from Phoenix in 2011. Even if the state passed an unjust law–AND I’M NOT SAYING THEY DID, DON’T RUSH ME–it’s not fair to the citizens of Arizona to deny them a chance to see baseball superstars up close, like Alex Rodriguez and Albert Pujols and whoever we decide to send from the Royals. And by “citizens”, of course I mean whichever corporate douchebags weasel their way into getting tickets to the game.

As for all the spring training facilities in Arizona, that is a team matter that each team will have to decide for itself based on what is good for that particular team. I believe in teams’ rights and trust them to come to equitable, sensible decisions on their own. It’s a policy I learned when I did graduate work at the James Buchanan School of Diplomacy.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to hide under this pile of coats while whistling loudly and hope that somehow, all of this goes away.