Monthly Archives: May 2010

Baseball

Today’s Subway Series Headlines

2010subwayseries.jpgDaily News

OH CAPTAIN!: Jeter nearly fields three ground balls in valiant effort

Plus: “How the Mets managed to win despite having a so many Latinos,” by Bill Madden, and “What this series means to me, personally, and no one else,” by Mike Lupica

New York Post

YEAH, I GUESS: Mets hold on to win ultimately meaningless series

Plus: An apology for the premature online posting of original game story: K-WRONG: Closer blows lead and as Mets lose series that meant everything to them

New York Times

Struggling to Fit As Many Words into a Sports Headline as He Possibly Can, Our Editor Adds Countless Qualifiers Until the 6-4 Final of Last Night’s Contest Between the Mets and Yankees Is Completely Obscured

Newsday

METS WI–

To read more, please sign up to get behind Newsday’s curiously anachronistic paywall.

ESPN New York

YANKEES DEFEATED BY NON-RED SOX TEAM
Champs travel to Minnesota after off day to take on another non-Red Sox team

Plus: “Watch me shit all over the Mets’ series win because it made a few people happy,” by Wallace Matthews

Baseball

Jerry Manuel to Bat Kitten in the Three Spot

manuel.jpgIn an effort to “shake up the lineup”, Mets manager Jerry Manuel will bat a kitten third in tonight’s game in Washington. “I just need to find the right mix,” he said after last night’s loss.

The kitten, one of a litter of seven, does not have a name yet, but clubhouse reporters describe it as “adorable”. To make room for the kitten on the 40-man roster, both Jose Reyes and Johan Santana were placed on irrevocable waivers and immediately claimed by the Braves and Phillies respectively.

This was not the only batting order shakeup Manuel considered. “I also thought about handing in a lineup with only seven names and seeing if I could get away with it,” he said.

Asked if this was a transparent effort to get fired as soon as possible, Manuel responded with a wan, chilling laugh.

Politics Schmolitics

Richard Blumenthal’s Debilitating Condition

blumenthal.jpgI sincerely apologize for any misunderstanding my remarks may have caused. I know I said I served valiantly in Vietnam, when in fact I obtained several deferments and never saw combat. However, when I said those words, I sincerely believed them. Because I suffer from Fictional Character Empathy Syndrome. Whenever I consume some piece of compelling entertainment, be it a movie or a TV show or even a video game, I become so consumed by it that I think I’ve actually lived through it.

Right before I made those remarks, I’d just watched Platoon, which is one of my favorite movies. That explains why I’d make such a blatantly false statement in my speech. It also explains why I dropped to my knees with my fists clenched toward the heavens as Barber’s Adagio for Strings blared out of the PA system.

I’d also like to apologize to anyone who witnessed the speech I gave at an Elks Lodge in Derby last April. The previous weekend, I watched all of Mad Men season 2 on DVD, which explains why I was chain smoking and trying to violently finger each member of the local city council.

I want to thank my wife for sticking with me through this difficult time, just as she did when I saw Casino and tried to crush her head in a vice. I love you because you choose to see the best in me, even though you can not literally see anymore since I popped your eyeballs.

I also want to thank all of the actual veterans gathered on the stage behind me, who have supported me and understand this affliction better than anyone. You are true American heroes. Please stand up so that we all can thank you: Private Ryan, Sgt. Slaughter, Nick Fury, the General Lee, and of course, Master Chief.