Monthly Archives: February 2010

Sports

Tiger Woods Is Ready for His Apology

tigerwoods.jpgThank you for coming today, selected members of the media. I called you here because I trust you, and I know you can speak and act on behalf of your fellow journalists. So without further ado, I want to announce to you and the rest of the world that I’m ready for my apology. Yes, I am ready for all of you to apologize to me.

You know how Babe Ruth used to go drinking and whoring all the time? Yeah, you know that now, but you didn’t know that when he was playing. Imagine if you found that out in 1930-whatever. That shit woulda ruined your world.

That’s what you guys did with me, to children worldwide. So, thanks for that.

And while you’re at it, apologize to the sport of golf, ’cause you guys ruined that, too. Before me, you know who the biggest star in golf was? No, you don’t, because NOBODY FUCKING WATCHED GOLF BEFORE ME. Except the oldest and richest douchebags. Nice demographic to have, huh? Golf really nailed it with people that everyone else on Earth hopes gets hit by a bus.

Here’s a history lesson: biggest star in golf before I showed up was John Daly. John Fuckin’ Daly. Have you seen that guy? Jesus. It’s like if Rex Ryan and Billy Carter had love child born without an essential chromosome. If that guy died in a bar fight or a meth lab explosion, would you be the least surprised?

How many women did I fuck? As many as you would if you were the most popular athlete in the world. Did I cheat on my wife? That’s between me and my wife. Oh wait, no it isn’t, because YOU ASSHOLES THREW MY DIRTY LAUNDRY OUT IN THE STREET.

I will accept an apology from one appointed representative of the press, in either written or oral form. You may lay any tributes or offerings on the altar to my right.

Those of you on my shit list–and you know who you are–if you wanna get back on my good side, you’re in luck! Today’s the first day of Ass Kissing Season! Line forms at my rear, boys.

Baseball

Yankees Begin Hell Week in Florida

girardi2.jpgTAMPA–Pitchers and catchers have reported to the Yankees’ spring training facility, an annual tradition known affectionately as Hell Week. Prospects and new acquisitions alike report bright and early to endure the humiliation necessary to join America’s most storied franchise.

“Drop and gimme 50, pussy!” growled manager Joe Girardi as he caught sight of new Yankee Curtis Granderson. The outfielder did as he was told, while also downing a Jagermeister shot after each rep.

“This team isn’t just about partying, okay?” Girardi told reporters as he popped the collar to his brand new Ed Hardy-designed uniform. “It’s about leadership, brotherhood, dedication. And I won’t have a buncha homos messing all that shit up.”

Girardi then instructed young catcher Jesus Montero to finish off a bottle of Goldschlager, followed by three laps around the diamond while balancing a rake on his head.

“That’s what makes the Yankees so great, traditions like this,” said team captain Derek Jeter. “I remember when I came up in 1996, Cecil Fielder told me I had to eat an entire package of hot dog rolls and chug a six-pack of Bud in five minutes or else clean his toilet with my tongue. I, um, I could only get down seven rolls.”

“Winning is a habit, losing is a disease,” said Girardi, as he gave a wedgie to beat reporter Tyler Kepner. “How do you vaccinate yourself against losing? By WINNING. That’s why I changed my number. It used to be 27, but we won our 27th championship last year. So now I’m number 347. Because that’s how many World Series trophies we’re gonna win. This year.

“And anyone who says that’s impossible, I say you better shut yer dick-suckin fairy holes and MAKE IT HAPPEN. Because I create winners here, not gay-queers.”

The Hell Week tradition has been in place since spring training of 1956, when Mickey Mantle, Whitey Ford, and Billy Martin forced all newcomers to drink their weight in Old Smuggler. But it has come under fire in recent years, particularly in 2004, when a hazing ritual rendered new Yankee Alex Rodriguez blind for much of the season and subsequent playoffs.

Baseball

Omar Minaya Totally Spaced on the Offseason

omar2.jpgIs somebody honking outside? Jesus, it’s 7 in the morning. Oh, that’s right, I gotta go to Florida today. That must be the cab to the airport. Well, better quick throw some stuff in the suitcase. T-shirts, undies, a couple button downs to hit the clubs in. What the hell, guess I’ll bring my glove in case anyone wants to play catch…

FUCK! I FORGOT TO GET A PITCHER! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!

God, I got this assignment before winter break even started, and now it’s already over! Where the hell did all the time go? There was Thanksgiving and Christmas and then I went on the ski trip to Canada to pick up Jason Bay, and then I got Bioshock 2, and the next thing I know, it’s springtime and JESUS H. FUCK, WHAT THE HELL AM I GONNA DO?!

Hey, ma? Do we have any pitchers left over in the garage?

Are you sure?

Ma, Steve Trachsel doesn’t count! Fine, maybe I WILL look for one myself!

Fuck, it’s too late to find a pitcher now. WHAT DO I DO?!! I’M SUPER CRAZY FUCKED! I’M TOTALLY GONNA FAIL MY GENERAL MANAGER CLASS!

Alright, Omar, calm down. Just think this through. Maybe you don’t need another pitcher. You have Santana, and he’s money in the bank. John Maine looked good when he came back from injury last year; maybe he’ll finally be healthy. Yeah, and maybe Mike Pelfrey will bounce back. And maybe Oliver Perez will…fuck…maybe he won’t fall into an open manhole. And we have some decent options for fifth starter. Yeah, we could make this [pitching staff work, with a solid infield behind it…

FUCK! I FORGOT TO GET A RIGHT SIDE OF THE INFIELD! FUCK BALLS ASS COCK FUCK!

Chill, Omar, chill! Catch your breath! Luis Castillo had a good year last year. Sure, he can barely hit the ball out of the infield, but he could be a good #2 hitter behind Reyes. And Dan Murphy…well, it’s too soon to write off a guy like that, right? Dude definitely works hard. And who knows? If he doesn’t work out, maybe Mike Jacobs or Chris Carter does. Or maybe Ike Davis forces his way onto the major league roster. Weirder things have happened.

Okay, it’s not the prettiest looking team, but if pick up some oaktag and scotch tape at the airport, I might be able to slap the whole thing together in time for spring training. Yeah, we can score some runs, and field the ball, and if we can get the ball to K-Rod…

OH, FUCK MY COCK!!