Dominos’ New Shame-Based Menu

dominos.gifWe know that our customers have been complaining about our pizza for years. That’s why we’re taking steps to make Domino’s better. And the first step to getting better is to admit you have a problem.

So we’ll be the first to admit our food is not the best. In fact, it’s pretty horrible. In all honesty, we’ve served you the worst garbage imaginable for decades. We are not legally allowed to refer to Domino’s Pizza as food in 23 states. We wouldn’t feed a starving war criminal the swill we try to pass off as pizza. If you knew half the stuff we put in our sauce, you would beat us within an inch of our lives, and no jury would convict you.

That’s why we gathered all our test kitchen chefs together to give them all of your helpful feedback. We locked them in a windowless, unlit room and projected that feedback randomly on the walls for 15 hours, while “The Flight of the Valkyries” blared at half speed with extra bass boost from enormous speakers. The cooks came out of this experience with a renewed commitment to excellence, at least the few who weren’t driven to the brink of madness.

This brainstorming session also enabled our chefs to tap into some childhood trauma and humiliation that had previously been buried deep within their psyches. And those repressed experiences have provided the inspiration for our brand new menu!

  • Try our new buffalo chicken pizza! The improved blue cheese dressing was the brainchild of chef Greg Sanchez, whose mother threw a full jar of mayonnaise at him in frustration when he was only 6 years old. This incident is deeply imprinted on his brain and is probably the source of his frequent, uncontrollable fits of rage. Comes with a free order of mozzarella sticks!
  • Who doesn’t love the spicy, tangy taste of the Southwest? Chef Marty Bellows doesn’t! He’s still scarred from when his parents took him to a Mexican restaurant and he accidentally peed his pants, but wasn’t allowed to go to the bathroom and dry himself off. He still has body image issues and difficulty trusting others. But we trust you’ll love his barbecue chipotle pizza!
  • If you like a more traditional pizza, you’ll love our improved sauce, made with fresh tomatoes, garlic, cilantro, and other hearty ingredients. It’s all thanks to the hard work of chef Denise Russo, or rather her overbearing neat-freak mother, who scolded her when she stained her bedsheets with her first period!

We know you’re gonna love our new menu! Because if you don’t, we’re making our cooks march around the corporate office in their undies!

Rex Ryan Thinks the Jets Are Best at Everything Ever

rexryan.jpgBefore Saturday’s MIND BLOWING playoff win in Cincinnati, I handed out a full practice and travel schedule to my team, which included a trip to the Super Bowl. And I took a lot of heat for being so presumptuous. But who’s laughing now? Rex Ryan, that’s who. And Rex Ryan is ME.

I handed out that schedule because I believe the Jets are that good. There is no reason we can not make it to the big dance. Hell, there’s no reason we can’t go to the Super Bowl eight years in a row. I DEFY you to tell me we can’t.

In fact, this team can do anything it puts it mind to. I honestly believe this isn’t simply isn’t the best football team of all time, but possibly the most talented collection of individuals to ever walk the EARTH.

If we decided to play baseball, we’d be better than the 1927 Yankees. If we decided to play basketball, we’d be better than the Jordan-and-Pippen-era Bulls. If we decided to play hockey, I have no idea who we could be compared to because we’d be so good, we’d obliterate all memory of previous teams. And also because I’m not that big a hockey fan and can’t think of any historically good hockey teams.

We are possibly the most skilled artists in the world, too. You should see Justin Keller’s watercolors. He painted a prairie landscape that, I’m not ashamed to admit, brought me to tears. Nick Mangold is singlehandedly reviving the lost art of mosaics. And Braylon Edwards’ mural work is, quite frankly, UNPRECEDENTED. If Picasso were alive and saw his murals, he’d set that piece of shit “Guernica” on fire and kill himself out of shame. That’s a FACT.

We’re also the greatest congregation of literary wits ever. You should hear the conversations we have during the postgame buffets. They make the Algonquin Roundtable sound like a buncha retards. Darrelle Revis let me read the manuscript for his new novel, and it was the most moving thing I’ve ever read. It changed me. It will ROCK American letters, just like he rocks unsuspecting wide receivers every Sunday.

Look, every coach believes in his team. That’s half a coach’s job. I just think that one day, people will worship the New York Jets instead of Jesus Christ. Why is that so outrageous?

“Classic” Scratchbomb: Pouring on the Jay Leno Haterade

leno.jpgWhile we’re on the subject of hating the manipulative back-stabbing hack, let’s take a trip down memory lane, all the way to last year, when Jay Leno was desperately trying to recruit an audience for his horrible, horrible 10pm show.

Jay Leno Says Watch The Jay Leno Show! (09.09..09)

Jay Leno Would Really Like You to Watch The Jay Leno Show! (09.10.09)

Jay Leno Wants to Know if You’re Going to Watch The Jay Leno Show (09.14.09)