Monthly Archives: December 2009

Politics Schmolitics

Joe Lieberman for Noregretifan

lieberman.jpgPeople always ask me, “Joe, after you’ve cozied up with insurance bigwigs and blocked health care reform for no reason but to grab the national spotlight and stroke your own ego, how can you sleep at night?”

The answer is, Like a baby! Now that I have Noregretifan, that is!

Nogretifan is not an ordinary sleeping pill, and it’s not for everyone. Because Noregretifan is designed specifically for people like me. People who’ve done, horrible, unforgiveable things in their lives, yet still want a good night’s sleep!

Just listen to these testimonials!

I had a terrible time getting rest after I hid my mother’s death from the authorities so I could continue cashing her Social Security checks! Noregretifan took care of that! If only Nogretifan could take care of that terrible smell from my attic! — Bill S., Des Moines, IA

I hit a midlife crisis and left my wife and kids for some skank half my age. You wouldn’t think I could get any shut-eye at all. But I can, thanks to Noregretifan! — Mark D., Vallejo, CA

I know a man like me doesn’t deserve to sleep at night. Hell, I laid off half my staff last year and still pulled in a big Christmas bonus! Luckily, Noregretifan helps me keep my nightly date with The Sandman!  — Allan W., New York

How does Noregretifan work? Is it addictive? Does it have any side effects? I don’t know, and I don’t want to know! I have enough things on my mind as it is! All I know is, it keeps those nasty voices out of my brain when my head hits the pillow. You know, all those voices that tell me I’m doing something really selfish and petty that could lead to the impoverishment and death of millions of my fellow Americans!

Whether you’re a legislator with a Napoleon complex, a tionhorn tyrant, or just your average workaday sociopath, ask your doctor about Noregretifan! If you’re one of the dwindling number of Americans who can afford go to the doctor, that is!

Holiday Triumphs 2009

YouTubery Friday: Pee-Wee Christmas!

It’s Friday! Procrastinate and count down to happy hour with these lovely bits!

In case you haven’t heard, Pee-Wee Herman is back! He’s doing live shows and appearing on TV shows and all other sorts of wonderful things.

Is Paul Reubens a bit too old to be doing Pee-Wee Herman? One could make the case. But considering how he was railroaded off TV in the early 90s (and for what, exactly?), I think the man is just making up for unjustly lost time. He could keep doing Pee-Wee until he’s 90 years old, and I would say ‘bravo’!

* Note to Paul Reubens: Please don’t do Pee-Wee when you’re 90. Don’t go out like Groucho.

One part of Pee-Wee’s renaissance is a new, spiffed-up web site, which has many neat things. But perhaps one of the neatest items is The Pee-Wee’s Playhouse Christmas Special, which you can watch there in its entirety. It is one of the most deliriously weird Christmas specials ever made–in the best possible sense, of course.

For a lo-res sample, check out the opening below. A chorus of Marines (I think) sings a Pee-Wee-related carol, then Pee-Wee goes nuts introducing all the Playhouse denizens and special guests. Such luminaries as Frankie Avalon, Little Richard, Whoopi Goldberg, Magic Johnson…the list goes on and on!

Also, did you know that Pee-Wee appeared in the video for the holiday classic “Reggae Christmas”? And did you know that there was a holiday classic called “Reggae Christmas”? And did you know that this holiday classic was sung not by a real reggae artist, but Canadian rocker Bryan Adams?

I’m sure you feel much better now, knowing this exists. Yes, Bryan Adams sucks (he sucks so much that he won’t allow embedding of his videos, hence it’s absence in this post). But Pee-Wee improves anything he’s involved in a full 35 percent. It’s been proven by science.

If you want to watch the OFFICIAL version of the video, it’s here. If you’re wondering why Pee-Wee looks so glum, it’s because his friends made him the MTV VJ for the evening on Christmas and abandoned him shortly thereafter. You can peep the full version here. I would have included it below, but (a) it’s much lower res, and (b) it won’t allow me to turn off autoplay.

Sorry, but I can’t have my webbed site playing “Reggae Christmas” each time it loads. Can’t do it, not even for the love of Pee-Wee.

Holiday Triumphs 2009

Holiday Triumphs: Funny or Die’s “Do They Know It’s Christmas?”

I considered adding “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” to my list of Holiday Horrors. It does meet most of my criteria for a terrible holiday song. It’s not a very good song, for one thing. It’s extremely dated, musically and spiritually. And in its effort to be sympathetic, it sounds insensitive. (“Tonight thank god it’s them instead of you!”)

However, I decided that “Do They Know It’s Christmas”, for all its clueless brand of charity, actually did help people. Then again, such reasoning didn’t stop me from blasting Bob Dylan’s terrible Christmas album, which was also done completely for charity. I guess even more important (for comedic purposes, anyway) is that the song has become such a punchline over the years, treated to so many parodies and skewered in so many forums, that attacking it seems as cliche as attacking airline food.

Especially when it’s been redone by much more capable minds than mine. So I’m gonna turn my frown upside down and highlight a hilarious remake of the song put together by Comedy Death Ray. The cast is a veritable cornucopia of comedy (and comedy-friendly) gods: Patton Oswalt, Brian Posehn, Paul F. Tompkins, Aimee Mann, Rob Huebel, Mary Lynn Rajskub, Weird Al, Doug Benson…it would be easier to list which alt-comedy giants aren’t in this thing!

Actually, it would not be easier to do that. I just got tired of writing all those names.

My favorite moments: Patton Oswalt leaving mid-verse to field a cell phone call. Thomas Lennon calling into the song as David Bowie, while getting a blow job from Mick Jagger (played by Ed Helms). And the rap interlude by Cracked Out, authors of such deathless hip-hop anthems as “Are You Ready to Get Fucked (By Us?)” and “Fuckin Ya Moms in the Ass”.