Holiday Triumphs: Let’s Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas

No Holiday Horrors today. Why? Because it’s Christmas Eve! And I don’t wanna miss out on presents from Santa cause I was naughty and mocking Neil Diamond again.

One of my favorite holiday traditions is to watch the “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians” episode of Mystery Science Theatre 3000 as many times as possible. If you want an entry point to this wonderful, wonderful show, watch this episode around the holidays and thou shalt be hooked. It starts off on a high note, with the robots telling Joel what they want for Christmas (Tom Servo wants “a Ted Williams signature inflatable bathtub pillow” and Crow wants “to decide who lives and who dies”), and just keeps going up from there.

This episode has many highlights, but if I had to pick one, it would be Crow’s stirring new Christmas carol, “Let’s Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas”, inspired by his love of the movie Roadhouse. It is probably the only Christmas carol to include an action sequence, unless you count that one deleted verse of “White Christmas”. (Irving Berlin thought it’d be fun to have a few lyrics where the singer karate chopped guys in the junk, but Bing Crosby wasn’t into it.)

Sadly, the real Dalton passed away earlier this year, which makes this song so much more poignant. But where he’s gone, pain don’t hurt. And really, he hasn’t gone anywhere! Dalton is still ripping dude’s throats out–in our hearts.

Holiday Triumphs: Christmas Songs of Righteousness

Just to prove to everyone that I don’t hate every Christmas song in existence. Links for handy download, too (where I had ’em), in case you wanna make yourself a hot holiday mix. And if you wanna DL the whole batch in one fell swoop, click here.

The Ramones, “Merry Christmas (I Don’t Wanna Fight Tonight)”

Slade, “Merry Xmas Everybody”

The Pogues, “Fairytale of New York”

Bonus! Ted Leo performing “Fairytale of New York”, live on WFMU, 2007 (with the dirty bits chopped out).

Bonus bonus! For you socialists out there, Billy Bragg performing “Fairytale of New York” live on the BBC.
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Holiday Horrors: Christmas Cigarette Ads of Yesteryear

Earlier this week, James Urbaniak tweeted a link to this Christmastime horror from the 1950s: gift-cartons of cigarettes from Camel!

I’m not anti-smoking per se; I think everyone should be allowed to go to hell with themselves in the manner of their choosing, so long as it doesn’t abjectly affect those around them. Even so, to the modern eye this sort of ad reeks of strangeness.

Also, cigarettes were pretty cheap back then. So wouldn’t giving cigarettes be like giving someone socks, or a box of pencils? “Wow, Camels. These are like 50 cents a pack. Thanks a lot.”

Naturally, this ad piqued my curiosity. Were Christmas-themed cigarettes common back then, or was Camel the only cigarette company to go in such a direction? The answer is, no, they definitely were not the only company to suggest cigarettes for Christmas and create festive packaging for just this purpose (with a gift card built right in!). But Camel was one of the few to actually enlist The Big Man himself in their effort.

Here’s a similar ad for Lucky Strike from around the same time, with some bonus print ads extolling the virtues of giving cigarettes as Christmas presents. Remember, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco! So round, so firm, so fully packed, as my grampa used to say (though not in reference to cigarettes…).

Celebrities got into the act, too. Here’s an ad for Kent cigarettes featuring one-third of the cast of The Dick Van Dyke Show.