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Scratchbomb TuneGraph: Songs About Fruit as Headgear, 1900-2000
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Monthly Archives: November 2009
Yeah, Brett Myers Just Said That! What’s it to Ya?!
Yeah, I told Cole Hamels “I thought you quit” after he said he couldn’t wait for the season to end. So what? I’d say it again. I’d say it three times if I had to. If pushed, I might even say it four times. But I wouldn’t say it five times. Brett Myers don’t say nothin’ five times, not for nobody!
/pops open new can of Axe body spray, completely empties it on chest
Yeah, I know he was awesome in the postseason last year. Big fuckin’ deal. Shit is ancient history. You know what his problem is? He ain’t Philly. He ain’t one of us and he ain’t never gonna be! You know the man has never had a Tastykake? I offered him a butterscotch crimpet once and he said no thanks, and started givin’ me all this shit about preservatives and chemicals bein’ bad for you. Fuckin’ pussy.
/tries on five slightly different looking Ed Hardy shirts
We’re on the brink of another world championship. YOU DON’T QUIT ON THAT!!1! You gotta seize your Destiny! You gotta grab Destiny by the hair and drag it out into the street and punch it in the face! Cuz sometimes, you’re just tired of listenin’ to Destiny go on and on and on about all this dumb bullshit she’s doin at work!
/pounds a can of Rockstar
I AM SO PUMPED!! Get me on a mound right now! I’ll throw some chin music that horse lovin’ punk-ass A-Rod! Fuck, I’ll throw him some side-of-his-skull music! I don’t care! Think I care? CUZ I DON’T! I’LL CAVE ANYONE’S SKULL IN BECAUSE THAT’S BRETT MYERS’ PLATE YER STANDIN’ ON!
Whoah, did you see that guy lookin at me? THE FUCK YOU LOOKIN AT, ASSHOLE?! WHY DON’T YOU MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS, YA FUCKIN QUEER?!
/stomps over, lands one punch
Fuck, I think that was a parking meter. Pretty sure I just broke every bone in my pitching hand. But I had no choice! You saw the way it was blinkin’ that one red eye at me! BRETT MYERS’ DON’T TAKE NO SHIT, ESPECIALLY NOT FROM INANIMATE OBJECTS!
Nation’s Comedians Ask for Clarification on Latest A-Rod Scandal
NEW YORK–Stand-up comedians from across the country gathered outside of Caroline’s to call for a clarification on the latest Alex Rodriguez scandal. Over the weekend, it was alleged by an anonymous ex-lover that Rodriguez commissioned paintings of himself as a centaur.
“While this revelation would appear to be a goldmine for the comedic community, it leaves us with many questions that must be answered before we can proceed with entertaining the American public,” said Bill Henwick, president of the American Stand-Ups of America and host of the Tuesday open mic night at Baron Von Laughsalot’s in Albany.
“I, for one, don’t really know what a centaur is,” Henwick continued. “Is the centaur the thing with the one eye?” Reporters informed Henwick he was thinking of a cyclops. “That’s too bad, because then he could just take some Viagra the next time he’s in a slump!”
Henwick chuckled to himself, then added, “Ladies, back me up on this.”
“This controversy is far too obtuse and bizarre for the stand-up community for work with,” said comedian Jack Rosham. “How can I write jokes about creatures from ancient mythology? A centaur is mythological, right? It’s not one of those blind cave fish that scientists just discovered or something?”
Assured that centaurs were mythological, Rosham continued. “I’d like to remind Mr. Rodriguez that he needs to work with us and keep his indiscretions more straight-forward, because our jokes keep his name in the public consciousness. Cheat on your wife, take steroids, remain obviously jealous of Derek Jeter–these are things we comedians can handle. I’d also like to remind everyone that I’ll be doing three shows next week at Zany’s Chuckle Dungeon in Piscataway.”
“A centaur isn’t even an ethnicity, technically,” said 18-year stand-up veteran Bill Moreno. “I can’t tell centaur jokes until I know if they smoke crack or drink too much or are really cheap. What is A-Rod, Mexican? Puerto Rican? Please tell me he’s Cuban. I got all these Elian Gonzalez jokes just collecting dust at home.”
“Stand-ups are still upset with A-Rod for breaking up with Madonna,” said comedian Fred Stinger, currently headlining at The Texas Joke Depository in Dallas. “Do you know how much material was wiped out when that relationship ended? I saw a solid five minutes go down the toilet! I have a buddy who wrote a whole parody song to the tune of ‘Like a Virgin’. What the hell am I supposed to do with Kate Hudson? Make fun of Goldie Hawn third-hand?”