Life Isn’t Fair and Then You Die. The End.

throw_computer.jpgI’d like to write for a living. That’s always been my dream. At various points of my adult life, I’ve earned deaux to write, in various media. I even get the occasional royalty check for Olde Works. But it’s far from money I could eat on.

Writing for a living is not essential to my well being, since I have other abilities/experience that keep me employable. Plus, for all I know, getting paid to write full time might totally sap the joy and love out of it. Maybe the dream would turn out to be a nightmare.

Writing is lonely. It’s solitary, requires a ton of time to perfect your craft and complete projects, and can have very few dividends (or none at all). A writer who taught at Brooklyn College once told me, “The world doesn’t need your stories.” (He meant the third-person you, not me personally.) You have to realize that no one’s chomping at the bit, waiting for your next tome. You have to realize that no one’s going to pat you on the back, even when you accomplish something.

It is a vocation that requires a lot of self control, because validation probably won’t come from the outside world for a very, very long time, if ever. In fact, most factors from the outside world will be horrifyingly discouraging. Like these two items that passed over my transom yesterday.

Continue reading Life Isn’t Fair and Then You Die. The End.

Joe Wilson vs. Barack Obama, the Insult Comedy President

obama.jpgThere have been a lot of untruths out there about my health care plan. So I want to reassure the American people that illegal immigrants will not be covered under this plan.
joew.jpgYOU LIE!
obama.jpgNo, I don’t actually. And I think it’s highly disrespectful of you to just yell at the President of the United States like that. If you disagree with me, fine, but…
joew.jpgYOU’RE NOT FUNNY!
obama.jpgI’m not trying to be funny. This is not a comedy club.
joew.jpgFREEBIRD!
obama.jpgWow, there’s a blast from the past. When you’re done with that brilliant retort, 1993 needs it back. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m trying to deliver a speech here.
joew.jpgYOU SHOULD DELIVER MY WAITRESS OVER HERE SO I CAN GET ANOTHER GIN AND TONIC!
obama.jpgYou’ll have to speak up. I don’t speak Inbred Cracker Peckerwood.

Continue reading Joe Wilson vs. Barack Obama, the Insult Comedy President

Jay Leno Says Watch the Jay Leno Show!

jayleno.jpgHello, America! This is Jay Leno telling you to watch the new Jay Leno show, which premieres next Monday at 10pm! We’re gonna have lots of exciting guests and so many surprises, you won’t believe it! 

Remember that car I drove in the commercials for my new show, the racecar with 10 on the side? I’m gonna try and eat it live on the air! It could take me all week! Can the human stomach digest a carburetor? Guess you’ll have to tune in to find out!

Join me for Jay’s Wacky Pranks! I go down to the Hall of Records and try to legally change my name to Jey Leyneaux. It’ll blow their minds! And yours!

Ever seen human chess? You’ve never seen it like this, played with the Supreme Court justices and the surviving members of the 1979 world champion Pittsburgh Pirates! Will Kent Tekulve be a pawn or a rook? We’ll see!

Bring in a homemade casserole and I’ll judge it on a scale of 1 to 10!

An old favorite will join us: Joan Embry from the San Diego Zoo! And I’ll get up close and personal with a rhesus monkey! What does he do on my shirt? I can’t say, but I’ll give you a hint: it starts with “P” and ends with “urinate”!

Join me when I take a tour of the Rawlings Golf Center in Reseda, as they hand-assemble my custom golf cart! If you’ve ever wondered how cup holders are made, wonder no more!

Are you excited about the new hit animated movie Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs? So am I! That’s while I’ll be throwing hamburger meat from the roof of our studio! If you’re lucky enough to be walking down the street at the time, you get to keep up to half of whatever lands on you!

Juggling! I’m gonna learn how to juggle! You guys like juggling, right?

World champion whistler Dave Morris will thrill us with his rendition of Wagner’s entire Ring Cycle!

I’ll do an entire monologue without using the letter ‘e’! Does that sound interesting? What must I do to get your eyes on me?! I need your attention! I’ll shrivel up and die outside of the spotlight!

The Jay Leno Show starring Jay Leno! Let’s all be there!