Monthly Archives: September 2009

Football

Bill Belichick: GOTOPressConference

belichick_PC.jpgCoach, the Patriots didn’t put up any points at all in the second half, and they were limited to three field goals in the first half. Was that due to the Jets’ defense, or is Tom Brady still rusty?

They have a good team no doubt. They have some players on that team, and those players executed.

Coach, did you feel your team was sufficiently prepared to play the Jets this week, or did your players maybe take this game for granted?

Our players always come to play. We don’t take any opponent for granted. This team needs to execute.

Coach, even though Julian Edelman had a good day, do you think the absence of Wes Welker hurt the Patriots?

Everyone who played came here to play, and that is why sanitize on the pancake drip.

Huh?

Salmon fish stain curbstone Archuleta.

Patriots PR Man: Sorry, folks. We just upgraded his operating system, and it’s a little buggy.

BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME

Patriots PR Man: Here, let me try force quit…

ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO QUIT ‘BELICHICKOTRON-2003’?

Patriots PR Man: Yes. Ugh, I hate this. Just watching the little CPU Usage register…I hope the file recovery feature works this time.

YOU CHOSE TO QUIT THE PROGRAM. DO YOU WANT TO SEND AN ERROR MESSAGE?

Patriots PR Man: No. Does anybody read those things? Now, let’s see if this works…

EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!

Patriots PR Man: Oops, had it set on Dalek. Okay, here we go.

Execute. Execute. We need to execute. And also execute.

Patriots PR Man: There, back normal. Let me know if his casing gets too hot. Sometimes the hooded sweatshirt blocks his vent and he gets overheated.

Football

Jerry Jones Wants Answers from this Stunning Collection of Contemporary Artwork

jjones.jpgGoddammit, I just built me a brand spankin’ football palace, and my team played like this was a sandlot! You fellas should be ashamed a’ yerselves! This was a disgrace, and I wants some answers! My boy Romo threw three picks last night. That is inexcusable! His head needs to be in the game! Someone dropped the ball on this one! What do you have to say for yourself, Franz Ackerman mural?
ackerman.jpgjjones.jpgYeah, I know that one pick was kind of a freak thing, but it came on a terrible throw! And what about our defense? We just let the Giants march up the field in the last minute and take this game! After we had ’em pinned at their end of the field, first and 20! Two third-down conversions! It’s like you’ve never dealt with a two-minute drill before, Gary Simmons’ “Blue Field Explosions”!
bluefieldexplosions.jpgjjones.jpgAnd special teams! Jesus, don’t even get me started on the special teams! I can’t even think of something particular ya did wrong, I’m so angry! An absolute embarrassment! You better have a damn good excuse, Doug Aitken lightbox sculpture!

aitken.jpgjjones.jpgAh, you always say that! I’ve had it with this bunch! If the world’s biggest collection of newly commissioned artwork by contemporary American artists can’t win me a football game, goddammit, I’ll commission me some more! And I’ll just keeps commissionin’ til we get us a Super Bowl ring! I got a boy right here what can make us champs again! His name’s Shepard. Shep, tell these losers what we got to do to get back on top!
obey.jpgjjones.jpgSee, that’s a man what knows how to win!
1999 Project

The 1999 Project: The Director’s Cut

Last week, I announced that I would be reviewing all of the posts in The 1999 Project for typos, factual errors, and spiffability. This quick note is to let all you fine folks that I’ve completed that review. In most cases, the changes were extremely simple, although I did peep a few items that were just flat out wrong.

Which ones? NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS! Just know that I’ve corrected all such things, so you can sleep easy now.

As for the future, I should have at least one 1999 Project post up this week in order to keep pace. My goal is to post reviews of the various postseason games on their respective anniversaries.

Regarding the other item in my post of last week–migrating older posts to the new site interface–that’s going a little more slowly. But I still fully plan to have all posts from 2007 and 2008 up and running by the end of the year.

Carry on.