Scratchbomb: Now With Even More Self-Promotion!

Just wanted to alert the masses to a new commenting feature. If you come up with a brilliant bon mot, and you want other people to know about, you can post said comment to Twitter.

In order to enable this fantastic feature, you’ll have to do some quick set-up work in your Disqus account to align it with your Twitter account, but it only takes a few seconds to do that. Then tick the little “Tweet This Comment” box underneath the text field, and voila! Witness the magic.

Why would you want to do this? I haven’t the slightest idea. But there it is.

Next, I’m working on a commenting feature that will toast bread as you type. Stay tuned!.

The Quizzical Quizno’s Self Censorship

quiznos.jpgQuizno’s has a history of questionable ad campaigns. Their most recent one featured a commercial in which a sentient oven with a voice akin to HAL9000 commanded a chef to build a Toasty Torpedo. It ended with a perspective shot from inside the oven, and the HAL-oven saying “Scott, put it in me.” Scott shot the oven a baffled/horrified look. And…scene.

And that’s just the condensed variation shown in my market. For a truly horrifying experience, check out the full-length commercial. In this version, Scott is totally on board with humping a red-hot oven.

This ad generated a lot of buzz. And by “buzz”, I mean “vomit”. Google “creepy quizno’s commercials” and you will be treated to a plethora of WTFing over this ad. Quizno’s must have decided it was a bad idea for a restaurant to nauseate potential customers. So they altered the voice-over, but the results aren’t any less weird.

Now, instead of the innuendo-filled line quoted above, the oven says “Scott, I’m waiting for it.” I suppose this could be interpreted in the same dirty way as the original line, but you’d have to stretch pretty hard to do so. And you probably wouldn’t have dirty connotations in your mind unless you’d seen the original version.

All Quizno’s did was alter the line. Everything else about the commercial is the same. So Scott the Chef still gives the oven a terrified look, which is just baffling. Why does the line “I’m waiting for it” frighten him so? It’s disjointed and bizarre and unreal. It’s been transformed from creepy-in-a-weird-German-porno way to creepy-in-an-Eraserhead-way.

I think Quizno’s should’ve stuck to their guns and kept the original. Because now tons of fast food franchises have debuted their own dirty slogans:

mcdonalds.jpgbk.jpgwhitecastle.jpgsubway_logo.jpg

There’s No Way Joe Buck Could Have Expected This

joebuck.jpgThank you for sticking with Joe Buck Live, starring me, Joe Buck, as Joe Buck, the humble middle American sportscaster who rose to the pinnacle of the sportscasting world by sheer grit and determination and being the son of a legendary broadcaster. In my next segment, we discuss the intersection of celebrity with sports. Has it gone too far? Is there any way to stop it? And what’s the deal my hair? To discuss this compelling topic with me, here is the renowned social commentator Artie Lange.
artielang.png/spews filth and gay jokes for ten minutes

joebuck.jpgAmerica, I apologize. When I invited Artie to be a part of my show, there was no way I could have known he would act like this. 

artielang.png
What are you talking about? I always act like this.
joebuck.jpgAnd I share your OUTRAGE and DISGUST that someone would behave like this on national television.

artielang.png
C’mon, this is HBO. Is what I said any worse that seeing Phil Leotardo’s head crushed by an SUV? Or any more horrifying than Sarah Jessica Parker’s head?

joebuck.jpgHopefully, my next guest will stick to the topic and elevate the level of discussion. Please welcome the Distinguished Professor of Sports Anthropology at Cornell University, Miss Typhoid Mary.

typhoidmary.jpg*cough*
/room fills with deadly bacteria

joebuck.jpgI apologize to my studio audience for infecting them all with a hideous disease. But honestly, how could I possibly know such a thing would happen when I invited Typhoid Mary to my show? I’m certain that my next guests will do a better job of keeping the decorum at a family-friendly and less-life-threatening level. Please welcome two bonobo chimps.

bonobo.jpg/fling feces
/engage in ritualistic homoerotic behavior
/fuck each other violently

joebuck.jpgThat is just unacceptable. I apologize again, America. Nothing could have prepared me for these primates’ behavior, other than decades of zoological research. I’ll have to go back to my original plan: I’ll place these pressurized cans of solvent next to a lit acetylene torch and a pile of oily rags. I’m sure this group can stimulate a lively adult conversation.

explosion.pngFOOOOM