Monthly Archives: March 2009

"Classic" Scratchbomb, Basketball, Media Morons

“Classic” Scratchbomb: Outtakes From Dick Vitale’s Voice Over Work On Ken Burns’ New Civil War Documentary

As March Madness continues, let’s take a little trip down memory lane with Dickie V to this post from March 13, 2007.

vitale.jpg

“Okay, Mr. Vitale. The tape is rolling. You can start your reading whenever you’re ready.”

“First of all, I wanna say this is an honor. Doing voice over work for the
great Ken Burns. I mean, New York, The Civil War, The Brooklyn Bridge,
baby. You can’t beat that with a stick. It’s unbeatable, just like DiGiorno pizza. It’s not delivery, baby!”

“Thank you, Mr. Vitale. Now, whenever you’re ready.”

“Okay, baby, let’s do this! Civil War Part II! It’s awesome with a capital Appomatox, baby! We’re gonna make a Bull Run at another dozen Emmys! And lemme tell you, that violin theme song, whatever it’s called, that is undoubtedly the most moving piece of music ever written for television. If that doesn’t make you get all misty eyed, you gotta be made of stone, baby!”

“Okay, now if we could get to the script…”

“And my main man, Shelby Foote, with all of his poignant insights and Southern aphorisms. That man is a living legend. I’ve been around the block a few times, and lemme tell you: I’ve never seen a man who could drive home a bitter truth like Shelby Foote. He reminds me of another Southern gentleman: Coach K, baby! Never mind their late season
swoon–the Blue Devils are going to the Final Four! That’s right, folks, you heard it right–the Final Four is gonna be Duke, Ohio State, Florida, and Duke! I’d love to hear Shelby Foote’s bracket picks.”

“He’s dead. Please start your reading.”

“That’s a tragedy. Almost as bad as Syracuse not getting a tournament bid. I had Jim Boeheim over at my house and he had a good cry while we watched ‘Hoosiers’. Gene Hackman. Dennis Hopper. The quintessential sports movie. That high school basketball team coming back to win the state final, that’s a Cinderella story for the ages, baby! Kinda like how the Union stormed back to defeat the South. Ulysses S. Grant, baby! Grant and General Lee coming together to turn back the evil forces of Boss Hogg…”

“There’s a million things wrong with what you just said, but I’ll ignore all of them if you’ll just start your reading.”

“Listen up–I gotta mention my good friends at Boost Mobile. Sign up now for Dickie V’s Dipsy Doo Dunkeroo Bracketology Knowledge-y, and you can win tons of prizes. Hats. Shirts. Hats. More hats. It’s great! All you gotta do is text them your phone number so you can be harassed with messages for the next seven years, baby…”

“If you don’t start reading right now, I’m going to cut off oxygen to the sound booth.”

“Okay baby, let’s get rolling! Cue that weepy violin music, baby!”

“There’s no music. For the love of Jesus, please read.”

“*ahem* ‘My darling Melissa: Words can not express my longing for you. My pen trembles when I call to mind your alabaster skin, your soft amber curls, and the warmth of your smile. Know that you are in my thoughts every waking moment of every day. And know that when I lay my head down on a hard, unforgiving Army cot, the only thing that can soften the scratch of the canvas and bring on the sweet respite of slumber is to whisper your name. I feel it wrap around me as if I were an infant being swaddled and cradled to his sleep. Oh Melissa, would that I could promise to return home soon. Would that I could promise to return at all! But that is for Providence to decide. All I can do is pray that He shall see fit to return me to your arms. If He does not, then know that we shall see one another again in the sweet by and by. And know above all, that with my last breath, with my dying words, I shall utter but one phrase and be at peace:’ Coach K, baby!”

“The script doesn’t say that!”

“I know! I’m bringing my own Dickie V flavor to the material! It’s what the kids want!”

“Do any of you sound engineers have a taser?”

Baseball, Inappropriate Walkup Music 2009

Inappropriate Walk Up Music: 03.23.09

santo-shea.jpgFor previous Inappropriate Walk Up Music posts, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up
music.

These are not necessarily bad songs–although that
certainly helps. They are merely songs that don’t evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20… The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter’s box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

* “I Want You”, Elvis Costello
Even in a catalog full of vengeful, bitter songs (Elvis once said the only emotions he understood were anger and revenge), this tune stands as particularly harsh. Blood and Chocolate was recorded more or less live in the studio, which makes it even more visceral. As the song winds down, the mics are slowly turned down on everything but the vocals, so by the end all you hear is Elvis’ painful lyrics and an organ wailing off in the background. Brutal.

* “Don’t Touch My Bikin”, The Halobenders
When I was in high school, the only “cool” radio station whose signal I could get in my room was Vassar’s. I would tape 45-90 minute chunks every now and then so I could listen to them on my walkman later, hoping to find something new and awesome I couldn’t hear anywhere else.

Vassar played this song one night, and as I listened to it on the way to school, it took every bit of my strength to not totally lose it. I was not yet familiar with Calvin Johnson or the whole K Record phenomenon, so I was completely unprepared for his aggressive brand of silliness. This remains one of my favorite songs that no one else seems to remember.

* “Outlaw Pete”, Bruce Springsteen
Sometimes you see Bruce Springsteen do some live tunes and you think to yourself, “Man, he’s still got it!” And then you hear new songs like “Outlaw Pete” and you think to yourself, “Jesus, he is totally off his rocker.” If you can get through this 8 minute tune (8 MINUTES) in one sitting, you’re a stronger man than I.

Baseball, Inappropriate Walkup Music 2009

Inappropriate Walk Up Music: 03.22.09

santo-shea.jpgFor previous Inappropriate Walk Up Music posts, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up
music.

These are not necessarily bad songs–although that
certainly helps. They are merely songs that don’t evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20… The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter’s box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

Today, on a whim, I decided to check out the Top 3 songs on the Hot 100 chart, figuring that they’d be inappropriate. Lo and behold, my instincts were right. The top three slots are currently occupied by terrible hip-hop songs with completely unoriginal beats and rhymes. Of course, lack of originality doesn’t necessarily disqualify a song for walk-up purposes. But each of these songs disqualifies itself in their own special way.

1. “Right Round”, Flo Rida
Let’s see: Terrible beat? Check. Rhymes cribbed from every “we up in the club” song recorded in the last 10 years? Check. Hilariously wack flow despite having “flo” in your name? Check. Paraphrasing lyrics from the similarly named bad 80s song while also giving work to Katy Perry? Check. Okay, I think we’re done here.

2. “Dead and Gone”, T.I. featuring Justin Timberlake
If you can find any true differences between this song and “Gangster’s Paradise”, you’ve got a keener ear than I do.

The number 3 song this week is actually “Poker Face” by Lady Gaga, which I picked in my first Inappropriate Walk Up Music post. So I have to skip down to number 4, where we find:

4. “Kiss Me Through the Phone”, Soulja Boy Tell ’em featuring Sammie
Aside from the cringe-worthy title, I swear I heard this beat/keyboard line combo in a Geico commercial.