Monthly Archives: March 2009

Baseball, Inappropriate Walkup Music 2009

Inappropriate Walk Up Music: 03.27.09

santo-shea.jpgFor previous Inappropriate Walk Up Music posts, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up
music.

These are not necessarily bad songs–although that
certainly helps. They are merely songs that don’t evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20… The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter’s box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

* “The Battle of Evermore”, Led Zeppelin
I deem this song inappropriate because it does not rock, and because it’s full of ridiculous medieval imagery and pseudo-mystical nonsense. And because it inspired a generation of dumb stoner metalheads to try to pick up 12-string guitars and write songs about hobbits.

Side note: There are many rock bands with have a charismatic frontman who is the strongest element from an image standpoint, but the absolute weakest musical link. Led Zeppelin is a prime example. See also: The Doors.

* The song from the tunnel scene in “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory”
Imagine you’re at a game, and as someone comes to bat, the Jumbotron shows this scene. I mean, just picture this horror broadcast to a crowd of 50,000. By the time Gene Wilder sang “is it raining, is it snowing, is a hurricane a-blowing…” everyone in the stands would have soiled themselves.

* “Prayer to God”, Shellac
Possibly the angriest song ever. Especially if you’ve ever seen them do it live. I saw Shellac twice, they did this song both times, and I swear my sternum was vibrating by the end as Steve Albini screamed KILL HIM! FUCKING KILL HIM! KILL HIM ALREADY! KILL HIM!

Also, never heckle Steve Albini unless you’re prepared to get totally owned. (I absolutely hate the Show Heckling trend; every show I go to now, some hipster douche has a whole routine worked up in his head to yell at quiet parts of the show. But that’s a whole other post.) One time I saw Shellac, some girl kept screaming at the top of her lungs, in a seemingly pseudo-ironic way. Albini finally couldn’t take it anymore and yelled back, “Jesus, woman, what is your day job–siren?!”

NYC, Parental Guidance

Why You Should Never Buy Pricey Toys for Your Children

There’s one block of Flushing Avenue, right around Bedford, that’s completely torn up. And it’s been completely torn up since I started taking the bus to work.

The street is literally ripped open, with a huge, gaping hole cordoned off by an rickety wooden fence. You can see down inside, where months of rainwater have accumulated, leaving a lime green, radioactive scummy pond. Enormous segments of concrete sewer pipe lay on the sidewalk. They once had screens on their open ends that looked kinda like cheesecloth, but those were weathered away long ago, and their remnants flap in the breeze.

None of this crap has moved in at least 6 months. I don’t know who’s to blame: the city, or whatever slumlord started repairs and never finished them. But because of it, my bus gets trapped on this block every morning, thus making my commute far longer than it need be.

So this morning, while I’m stuck at this point, I see some Hasidic kids playing on the sidewalk. They’re taking cardboard box from the kosher grocery store across the street, and they’re trying to bale a puddle of dirty rainwater with it. They range in age from 4 to 8, and they look like they’re having the time of their lives.

I see this is in my own home. My daughter will play with a 10 cent hair scrunchie, or a paper towel roll, and have as much fun as she does playing with expensive Christmas presents. If not more.

So my parental advice is, exploit this childhood window while you can. Forget the Baby Einstein nonsense and get the kid an empty pallet of tissue boxes from behind the local Duane Reade. The kid won’t care, and you won’t have to cajole them to play with that hand-crafted wooden xylophone you wasted 30 dollars on.

Politics Schmolitics

Good Luck, Chuck

chucktodd.jpgMr. President, Chuck Todd, NBC News. Some have compared this financial crisis to a war, and in times of war, past presidents have called for some form of sacrifice. Why, given this new era of responsibility that you’re asking for, why
haven’t you asked for something specific that the public should be
sacrificing to participate in this economic recovery?
obama.jpgChuck, I think Americans are sacrificing a lot right now, doing a lot of belt tightening to get through this rough patch…
chucktodd.jpgNo, that’s simply not good enough. I think you should demand that the American people sacrifice something very specific.
obama.jpgI don’t really understand what you’re getting at.

chucktodd.jpgI want you to ask Americans to stop eating hot dogs.

obama.jpgWhy?

chucktodd.jpgI think they’re gross.

obama.jpgI won’t ask Americans to forego hot dogs just because you don’t like them, Chuck.

chucktodd.jpgWhat about kielbasa? Certainly Americans should quit their wanton consumption of kielbasa in such a financial environment.

obama.jpgI don’t think a reduction of kielbasa purchases will help our economy one bit

chucktodd.jpgWhat about those weird mini-pepperoni things? You know, like you see next to the cash register at all-night delis? Yeesh, those things creep me out, glistening in their plastic tubes under the fluorescent light. Ick!

obama.jpgWhat do those things cost, like, a buck? That’s not gonna break anyone’s budget.

chucktodd.jpgIs there any type of sausage product you’d like Americans to give up for the duration of this economic crisis?

obama.jpgThat kind of decision should be made by each individual family. It’s not the president’s job to tell the American people what processed foods they can and can’t eat.

chucktodd.jpgBaloney!

obama.jpgExcuse me? Do you think you know more about the executive branch than I do?!

chucktodd.jpgNo, I mean baloney! We can get rid of that, right?

obama.jpgChuck, if you have issues with luncheon meat, work those out on your own time. Other people at this press conference have questions.

chucktodd.jpgSure, I understand..oh wait, this just in! The National Science-y Institute says the nation’s supply of Slim Jims is contaminated with Melting Brain Disease! Guess you’ll have to ban those, huh?

obama.jpgNo, I’m banning you from presidential press conferences. For three years.

chucktodd.jpgDo you know who you’re talking to? I did those stupid electoral maps all night on MSNBC on Election Day! I MADE YOU, BARRY!