Inappropriate Walk Up Music: 03.07.09

santo-shea.jpgFor the original Inappropriate Walk Up Music post, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up music.

These are not necessarily bad songs–although that
certainly helps. They are merely songs that don’t evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20… The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter’s box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

* “Don’t Go Breakin’ My Heart,” Elton John + Kiki Dee
Please don’t make me tell this story again.

* “At the Bottom of Everything,” Bright Eyes
Especially inappropriate if you walk up to the eerie opening monologue. And refuse to step in the batter’s box until it’s over. And demand that the entire stadium be perfectly silent as it plays.

* “Touch Me”, The Doors
Worst Doors hit (I was gonna say worst Doors song, but I’ve heard worse deep album tracks). It’s like Jim Morrison singing a Fat Elvis song. If Elvis circa 1973 did this song in Vegas, followed by “Suspicious Minds,” would you have been surprised? Ironically, The Doors didn’t do another listenable album until Jim Morrison actually got Elvis-Fat for LA Woman.

Decrees for My All-Encompassing Dictatorship, Freezer Section Edition

No.
bagelfuls.jpgIn case you can’t make it out, that is a “Bagel”–which actually looks more like soft pretzel stick–stuffed with cream cheese. To which I decree, ENOUGH! Enough with your Franken-foods, mad scientists of the food labs of America. You have been placed upon the scales of righteousness and found wanting! REPENT!

I will ban all crimes against food such as the monstrosity pictured above. Also included in this sweeping prohibition: pancake-wrapped sausage, sausage-wrapped pancakes, and any other food where things are wrapped in other things IN DEFIANCE OF GOD’S WILL.

The stuffing of cheese into things which cheese was not meant to be stuffed shall be forbidden. As shall injecting of syrup into breakfast items. If you want syrup upon your breakfast meal, EXPEND SOME ENERGY AND POUR IT ON YOURSELF, YOU BLOATED MIND-CORPSE!

All the madmen who invented these freakish insults to food-nature shall be launched into space via catapault.

I have spoken.