Monthly Archives: March 2009

Life In These United States

Jim Cramer Won’t Stop Believin’

kramer.jpgJim Cramer’s back again with Mad Money, comin’ atcha via Webcam from an undisclosed Panera bread location. Here’s my latest Buy Now! notice: the strawberry yogurt parfait. Delicious and reasonably priced!

I just gotta tell ya, folks, I stand by my statement that President Obama’s policies have made him one of the worst wealth destroyers in American history. Sure, most of that wealth was imaginary, due to Ponzi schemes and backdoor deals and other assorted forms of skullduggery. That doesn’t matter! The point is, we all used to be rich on paper, and now we’re broke in real life!

What bothers me is that Obama doesn’t seem to understand how the stock market works. He thinks it operates on actual value of companies and their products. It has nothing to do with anything real! If it did, the world financial markets would’ve collapsed decades ago!

Here’s what happens on a typical Wall Street day. First, all of the traders bow before the altar of Gorlaqk the Dread and pay him obeisance. Then, they run around like maniacs for 7 hours. They don’t know why. They don’t know how. They have no idea what they’re even doing! They just perform acts they are compelled to do, in an almost supernatural trance-state, and when it’s all over they stare in disbelief at the carnage they’ve caused. It’s like a Celtic battle frenzy, in suspenders!

Wall Street is not made up of individuals who act of their own free will! Wall Street is an empathic organism that feeds on the collective emotions of the hive mind! So when traders feel good, the Dow goes up! And when current events make them nervous or sad, the Dow goes way down. So I lay the Street’s troubles on your doorstep, Mr. President!

Okay, the manager just told me to keep it down. Gotta keep quiet–I don’t wanna get kicked outta here like did at that Cosi down the block.

Why did I tell you to gobble up shares of Wachovia? Because me and their CEO are best buds? No! It’s because I know that Wall Street needs positive vibes to succeed! I believed with all my heart that stock wouldn’t fail! I had to totally ignore every single warning sign that Wachovia would turf out to do that, but I did it, by god!

So why did they fail? Because you didn’t believe hard enough. I did my part. Wachovia didn’t fail, Bear Stearns didn’t fail, AIG didn’t fail, Citigroup didn’t fail–you did. You should be ashamed of yourselves, America.

I called up the president. I said, listen, all you need to revive the Dow is to believe! Address the American people on TV and clap your hands three times if you believe in the Dow! Do you believe in the Dow? I KNOW YOU DO!!!

Can you believe that President Obama didn’t say anything?! I mean, I’m not a 100 percent sure I actually talked to him. I don’t have his private line, so I just dialed 1-800-2DAPREZ. Since nobody picked up, I just talked to the dialtone. But the fact that he wouldn’t figure out I was trying to reach him–me, Jim Cramer!–makes me shudder for the economy’s future.

I’m gonna get another bear claw, but when we return, I will attack my parents for being some of the worst Santa Claus- and Tooth Fairy-destroyers in history.

Baseball, Inappropriate Walkup Music 2009

Inappropriate Walk Up Music: 03.09.09

santo-shea.jpgFor the original Inappropriate Walk Up Music post, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up music.

These are not necessarily bad songs–although that
certainly helps. They are merely songs that don’t evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20… The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter’s box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

* “Monster Mash”, Bobby “Boris” Pickett
In general, novelty songs = inappropriate walkup music. But I bet there’s some major leaguer who’ d come to bat to a Weird Al tune.

* “Brand New Key,” Melanie

* “Uncle Tom’s Cabin”, Warrant
I love it when dumb guys try to stretch out. Like when a hair metal band best known for sexual innuendo involving pies pens a Southern gothic epic, and names it after a classic anti-slavery novel for no discernible reason.

Baseball, Inappropriate Walkup Music 2009

Inappropriate Walk Up Music: 03.08.09

santo-shea.jpgFor the original Inappropriate Walk Up Music post, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up music.

These are not necessarily bad songs–although that
certainly helps. They are merely songs that don’t evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20… The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter’s box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

* “Invisible Touch”, Genesis
Phil Collins is an example of an artist with an entire oeuvre that’s inappropriate for use as walk up music, with the possible–POSSIBLE–exception of “In the Air Tonight” (not that the Peter Gabriel-led version of Genesis would be any better; I doubt any batter would opt for “The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway”). I have a self-imposed rule for this project that I won’t select the same artist twice, but I may just have to violate it, because I can think of about 1200 Phil Collins songs that crack me up in this context.

* “Careering”, Public Image Ltd.
I guess anything from the super-dubby Jah Wobble-era PiL would qualify, but I find this song particularly creepy. But not in a way that would intimidate the pitcher. I imagine that if this song were played over a stadium PA, everyone in the crowd would feel weird and wrong and want to leave as soon as possible.

* “Poison Arrow,” ABC
This songs gets played a lot on an 80s/90s “modern rock” music channel on Time Warner Cable. It came on as I “watched” it last night, and immediately said to The Wife that it would be a good song to include here. She countered by wondering how it would sound as a merengue song–would that spice it up enough for the likes of, say, Jose Reyes? For the next 15 minutes, we riffed on this idea. The details are way too stupid to share, but I remember assigning the synth part to a seven-piece horn section, which would also sing the chorus. And there would be a four minute trombone solo.