Monthly Archives: March 2009

Tuneage

Cheap Jokes! Get Your Cheap Jokes Here!

Human Giant-er Paul Scheer alerted me (and the rest of the world, via his Twitter page) to the existence of the Michael Jackson Auction Catalog. Yes, the King of Pop is auctioning off some of his most priceless memorabilia–although he seems to have had no problem pricing them anyway.

Yes, poking fun at Michael Jackson is as easy as shooting monkeys in a barrel while taking candy from a baby. And yes, making fun of him is a totally hack go-to move for bad comedians everywhere. But take a look at the catalog. Go ahead, just take a look. Then tell me this is not something screaming to be ridiculed.

And it starts before you even see any items, because MJ (or his tech peeps) have insisted on putting the catalog into an unnecessarily complicated Flash interface, where you “turn” the pages on screen with a double click–and it’s accompanied by an audio file of a page turning. I feel like I’m really reading a book!

Then come the auction items. Pages 1 through 70 are pretty much all video games. Then, the fun starts. I recommend page 73, which features Item #805: a lifesize statue of Michael Jackson as Batman. I wish I was kidding about that.

The rest of the catalog features many, many mind-blowing artifacts, too many to single out in this space. Surely most of them have spent some time known as “People’s Exhibit X”. So flip through it when you have a chance. But make sure there’s a shower nearby; you’ll wanna take one when you’re done.

Baseball, Inappropriate Walkup Music 2009

Inappropriate Walk Up Music: 03.11.09

santo-shea.jpgFor previous Inappropriate Walk Up Music posts, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up music.

These are not necessarily bad songs–although that
certainly helps. They are merely songs that don’t evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20… The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter’s box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

* “Swanee”, Al Jolson
Weirdly old-timey or borderline racist, depending on your POV. I’d love to hear an old scratchy 78 played out of a modern PA system. The crackles and pops would sound pristine!

* “Cherry Bomb”, The Runaways
Kick-ass tune, BUT more of a kick-ass tune for kick-ass chicks. Until kick-ass chicks break into the major leagues, it remains inappropriate.

* “Freaxxx”, brokeNCYDE
Inappropriate in any context.

NYC

Safety Announcements, MTA Style

Moments after I boarded the bus this morning, the driver picked up the intercom to make this announcement.

“HEY! There’s a fire at Flushing and [garbled]. We gonna be rerouted down Metroplitan. You need to get off somewhere along the rerouted route, YOU LET ME KNOW, OKAY?! Don’t be yellin and screamin at me!”

Five blocks later, she made the same announcement, almost verbatim. Not a single head moved, either time.

I like the fact that the primary goal of her announcement was not to give us a heads-up that the bus was being rerouted, or that THERE’S A FIRE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD, but to not hassle her because of either of these facts. And that no one seemed to notice or care anyway.

♪ It’s a hell of town… ♪