Monthly Archives: March 2009

Baseball, Inappropriate Walkup Music 2009

Inappropriate Walk Up Music: 03.15.09

santo-shea.jpgFor previous Inappropriate Walk Up Music posts, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up
music.

These are not necessarily bad songs–although that
certainly helps. They are merely songs that don’t evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20… The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter’s box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

* “Smell Yo Dick”, Riskay
Hat tip to The WhiteBoomBoom. I had not heard of this song before, but I’m glad I have. I love how it’s a standard R&B-type tune, except the singer soulfully croons lines like “You know that’s fucked up” and “Lemme smell yo’ dick.”

* “Don’t Know Much”, Aaron Neville and Linda Ronstadt
Aaron Neville’s voice drives me up the effin wall. He sang the national anthem before one Mets playoff game in 2006 and I swear it took 17 minutes. The Baby has Fisher Price Little People DVD she loves to watch, and Neville sings a theme song for it that haunts my dreams.

* “Queen Bitch”, David Bowie
I have yet to see Milk, so maybe I’m not qualified to judge, but how was this song the theme to it? There are much better Bowie songs to choose from to use in the soundtrack for such a biopic. “Heroes”, maybe? Then again, it’s technically a tribute to Lou Reed and The Velvet Undeground, so…no, still doesn’t make sense for a movie about gay struggle and uplift. And it’s still inappropriate for walk up music. Although if there was a player who dared come up to bat to this tune, I think he would immediately become my favorite player.

Baseball, Inappropriate Walkup Music 2009

Inappropriate Walk Up Music: 03.14.09

prince.jpgFor previous Inappropriate Walk Up Music posts, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up
music.

These are not necessarily bad songs–although that
certainly helps. They are merely songs that don’t evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20… The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter’s box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

Today, we present an all-Prince edition. I know I said I didn’t want to put multiple songs by the same artist on this list. I lied. Sue me.

Prince = awesome. However, he has more than one song that doesn’t work in this context. And I think we call can agree that the man can sometimes get a tad carried away.

* “Batdance”
Most Prince hits have aged well. This hasn’t. It’s trapped in this very weird moment in history known as 1989. Not the 80s. Not the 90s. Neon shirts, slap bracelets, New Jack swing–it’s the land that time forgot!

* “Darling Nikki”
Better known as the song that launched the PMRC. Even by Prince’s standards, this song is kinda ridiculous. In what sort of hotels do chicks sit in the lobby, pleasuring themselves to a magazine? And would you happen to have the address of any of these hotels?

* “If I Was Your Girlfriend”
Gender-bending funk–what major leaguer would have a problem with that?

Baseball, Inappropriate Walkup Music 2009

Inappropriate Walk Up Music: 03.13.09

santo-shea.jpgFor previous Inappropriate Walk Up Music posts, click here.

Every day until Opening Day, Scratchbomb presents three tunes that are completely, unequivocally inappropriate for use as major league walk-up
music.

These are not necessarily bad songs–although that
certainly helps. They are merely songs that don’t evoke the fear and dread one traditionally associates with the walk-up song. In fact, they evoke the exact opposite.

Imagine yourself in the on-deck circle. Bottom of the 9th. Down by one. Man on second, two out. You hear the PA system blare, The centerfielder, number 20… The crowd roars at the sound of your name. And as you stroll to the batter’s box, you are greeted with the strains of one of these songs:

Today, we go for an all-depressing slate of tunes, based on suggestions by Cuzzin Loutie and TheWhiteBoomBoom. All of these songs have been chosen because they wouldn’t inspire fear in an opposing pitcher. They would just make him sad. He might serve you up a total meatball right over the heart of the plate because he feels so bad for you.

* “The Weeping Song,” Nick Cave
As I mentioned in the comments yesterday, Nick Cave is a whole fount of inappropriate. But as long as we’re going for depressing, there’s not much worse than a song about crying.

Runner-up for Nick Cave: “O’Malley’s Bar,” a ten-minute epic off of Murder Ballads wherein he kills everyone in the titular establishment. My favorite line: “And with an ashtray as big as a really fucking big brick/I split his head in half…”

* “Blaspehmous Rumours”, Depeche Mode
What, you don’t think people want to hear a song about deformity and suicide when they go to the ballpark?

* “The Wall”, Johnny Cash
“Boy, they’re mean bastards, ain’t they?”