I have some amazing news to report: I have just used an automatic toilet paper dispenser for the first time. I didn’t even know such a thing existed! Oh brave new world, that has such things in’t!
Now, if they could just invent a machine that would take a dump for me, we’d be in business. I’m a busy man! I can’t waste precious time droppin’ a deuce!
And I’m tired of all this breathing! In, out, in, out–it never stops! I wanna breathe once in the morning and be done with it!
A-Rod really disappointed me, baby! He’s gotta set a better example for the kids! ‘Cause the kids are what’s important, baby! I talk to the kids all the time, and they love me! They’re always giving me high fives and thumbs up and doing an “L” sign on their foreheads! If you’re not hip, then you don’t know the “L” stands for “Laugh a Minute”! The kids love me, baby!
I’ve tried to give A-Rod some advice! I told him he don’t need steroids! I told him to follow his dreams, and stay in school, and listen to his parents! But he keeps telling me to stop bothering him during his daughter’s birthday party! I told him my invitation musta gotten lost in the mail, and he threatened to call the cops! It’s sad when people get too big to listen to complete strangers who are famous!
Michael Phelps really let me down, too! Smoking the reefer! Doesn’t he know that winners don’t do drugs? No hope in dope, baby! I’ve tried to reach out to Michael, but his manager said he’d have me thrown in jail if I contacted him one more time!
You know who else I’m disappointed in? Congress! We gotta get this country on the right track, baby! Republican, Democrat, don’t matter! Let’s get something done already! I don’t know what, but let’s just do it, baby!
You know who else let me down? The good people at Best Western Inns! I stayed in one last weekend when I was out west attending my great-niece’s christening! They used to give you the shampoo and the conditioner. Now they just got conditioner! I asked at the front desk, and they said they don’t provide it free no more! What is this world coming too?!
Why can’t you get a good pork chop anymore? Get on the stick, butchers!
Also, this cryogenic chamber just ain’t cutting it anymore! I know it has to maintain a constant temperature of -200 degrees Fahrenheit to keep my vital organs from seizing up, but can ESPN throw in a magazine every now and then?
Yo, Commish, I think I got this whole steroids-in-baseball thing figured out.
You mean that steroids-in-baseball thing you helped start.
Yeah! I just wanna meet with you and Donald Fehr to discuss some ideas about how to fix it.
We have it under control, Jose.
Clearly you don’t, if big superstars like Alex Rodriguez are getting caught. Now dig this: I go undercover as a major league baseball player and find out who’s supplying the dope! See, I used to be a major league baseball player, so it’ll come naturally!
Yes, you used to be a major league baseball player. A very famous one whose face will be instantly recognizable to everyone you meet.
No, see, I’ve been working with an acting coach, and he’s been teaching me these facial exercises that can make you look like a totally different person. See?
That’s just looks like you sticking your tongue out. And let’s not forget, you’re over 40 now. You’ll stick out like a sore thumb.
But I can totally fit in with the young player of today. I got a totally rad wardrobe. Check out this shirt!
That’s the worst thing human beings have ever worn.
That’s just for working out in the gym. Here’s what I’ll wear when I’m going out with the boys after the game.
Ah, my eyes! Listen, Jose, I think you need to let this go. One man can’t take down the entire steroid underground.
Of course not! That’s why I’m recruiting my good friend and fellow recovering ‘roid user John Rocker to help me.
When I’m done, ain’t gonna be no more homos or Puerto Ricans left in this league!
John, we’re trying to take down steroids, not ethnically cleanse, remember?
*pfft* I’m out.
Alright, I guess Rocker’s gotten too big for the show.
What show?
So that’s when I bring my younger brother who looks vaguely like me but is slightly less repulsive.
Do we get paid up front? ‘Cause I haven’t eaten anything since I found a soy sauce packet in the street last night.
Jose, I won’t allow you to turn MLB into your own personal version of 21 Jump Street.
Commish, this isn’t about me, or the vindication of my books, or my return to glory. Well, I mean, yeah, it mostly is, but it’s also about justice!
Hey, can I join you guys?
HARRY, I TOLD YOU, YOU ONLY GET TO APPEAR IN EVERY FIFTH EPISODE.