Monthly Archives: January 2009

Football

Useless Super Bowl Predictions: Ian Svenonius

I wanted to get some Super Bowl predictions from football experts, but then I realized that  football experts tend to be horribly, horribly wrong most of the time. So instead, I decided to think beyond the usual expert parameters and ask some other types of people for their takes on the big game. Our next guest is Nation of Ulysses/Make-Up/Weird War frontman and talk-show host Ian Svenonius.

iansvenonius.jpgI care not for the opiate of professional sports. It is just one limb of the vast and multi-tentacled corporate puppet casting its shadow across this nation.

“Fan-dom” is but a masturbatory, nay, necrophiliac exercise. I care only for the destruction of nostalgia, the shakedown of the great zombie that is America.

Let the walking dead engross themselves with this contest. Let the snackers gorge themselves upon winged treats and corn-based amnesia. They see nothing in our pursuits, nor should they.

I will focus on those bold and hopeless citizens, intoxicated with riddles, smashing idols, driving the money-changers from the temple. We shall array ourselves in finery of our choosing. We shall strike their names from the history books, and begin a glorious new reign in The Year Zero.

And if you can get Cards +6.5, you’d be nuts not to take Arizona.

Füd

Super Bowl Snack Ideas from Tram Woodreaux

With The Big Game (c) (r) almost upon us, Scratchbomb welcomes Tram Woodreaux, host of the popular cooking show Off the Rails! on The Grub Network and owner of the popular Galveston restaurant The Whee!house.

tram.jpgFirst off, how do I pronounce your restaurant’s name?

It’s like “wheelhouse”, but you make sure you add some extra zip on the first syllable. We like to do things a little nutty down at the Whee!house. We got this poster in the kitchen that says, “You don’t have to be crazy to work here, but it helps!” That’s a joke, of course. We don’t hire actual crazy people. Not after what happened last time.

I’m sure you heard that there’s a wing shortage right now. So say you can’t get wings for your Super Bowl party. What’s the next best thing?

I think you can’t go wrong with a couple of Hostess Suzy-Q’s, arranged on a sporty football shaped platter, and covered with Kraft Cheez-Whiz. I call ’em Touchdown Tortes!

Yuck. That sounds completely awful.

Oh, you gotta be kidding me! You should see how fast my Touchdown Tortes go at my parties! Almost as fast as my Cornerback Kickoff Nachos!

What’s in those?

Three bags of Doritos brand tortilla chips, two cans of Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom Soup, a sack of Nabisco Chips Ahoy, a big ol’ soup ladle…

Please tell me you don’t eat the soup ladle.

Of course not! You use the soup ladle to smash the ingredients together, mix ’em up, and pour out the mixture into ice cube trays. Stick toothpicks in the goop and two hours later, you’ve got little gooey nacho-sicles for everyone!

Continue reading Super Bowl Snack Ideas from Tram Woodreaux →

Football

Useless Super Bowl Predictions: Mike Francesa

I wanted to get some Super Bowl predictions from football experts, but then I realized that  football experts tend to be horribly, horribly wrong most of the time. So instead, I decided to think beyond the usual expert parameters and ask some other types of people for their takes on the big game. First up, professional Diet-Coke-and-snack vacuum Mike Francesa.

fran1.jpgI’ve like the Steelahs chances to win the whole thing for a long time. A long time. Week 3, I think I liked them. A lot to like about this team. A lot. There’s a lot to like. With this team, there’s a lot to like.

Cawdnals aren’t just gonna lie down, though. Dey’re here to win. Dey’re gonna play tough. Dey’re a tough team. Dat is a tough team, the Cawdnals. Tough. That’s what I’d call them. A tough team. No doubt, they’re a tough team.

Butcha gotta like Roethlisberger. He’s been there. He knows what it’s like. He’s acquired knowledge through prior experiences. Roethlisberger’s someone you gotta like. You really do. A lot to like with him.

You know who he reminds me of a little bit? Bradshaw. Just a little bit. The teensiest bit. A little bit reckless. Not too much book smarts, but he knows how to win. Bradshaw was like that. Ben’s got just a bit of Bradshaw in him. Just a bit.

/inhales entire 2-liter bottle of Diet Coke

But hey, you gotta like the other guy, too. This ain’t Warner’s first trip to the Big Dance, either. He’s been through the wars, that guy. Through the wars. He is a warrior. You do not count him out. A warrior, that guy.

You name the guys, any guy you can think of. Warner’s not with those guys. But he’s close. Real close. He’s almost one of those guys.

Alright, let’s take some calls. Tom in Riverhead, you’re on the air.

Hey Mike, I love yer show, I think you are the best thing to happen to radio, I worship the ground you walk on. I was just wondering if we could talk a little Yankees right now…

A little Yankees? A little Yankees? It’s Super Bowl Friday and you wanna talk a little Yankees? Let me tell you somethin, you wanna talk baseball on Super Bowl Friday, you are lost. Lu-host. You do n-hot talk baseball the Friday before the Super Bowl.

This is gonna be a close game. I see it bein close. Back and forth. Someone leads, then the other team leads, then the first team leads again. It’s gonna be a dogfight. A close game. A real close one. Game. Close. Football.