Monthly Archives: January 2009

Baseball

Rickey Thanks Rickey

rickey.jpgRickey accepts this honor on behalf of Rickey. Rickey hopes that this recognition will finally allow Rickey to get paid like Rickey deserves. Lastly, Rickey would like to thank Rickey for all the support Rickey has show Rickey over the years.

Rickey would also like to congratulate Jim Rice for joining him in Rickey’s Hall of Fame. Sure, Rickey never saw Jim Rice steal no bases. But Rickey thinks there are many paths to the Hall, because Rickey is feeling magnanimous today.

Rickey thinks it’s just a shame that it took so long to get Jim in the Hall, all because a bunch of old fart sportswriters didn’t like him back in day. So what Jim Rice didn’t talk to no reporters? Rickey never talked to no reporters. Rickey didn’t have to. Rickey let his feet do the talking. And his bat. And sometimes both at the same time, which is extremely difficult to pull off. That is, if you ain’t Rickey. Which Rickey happens to be, thank you very much.

As for Andre Dawson and Bert Blyleven, Rickey wishes you best of luck next year. Rickey was honored to honor y’all by playing against you.

Boob Tubery

I’m a Schizophrenic, and So Am I

In one episode of Mystery Science Theatre 3000, the featured movie is so awful–the legendarily putrid Manos: The Hands of Fate–that Joel and the ‘bots are almost rendered speechless by its sheer ineptitude. One long stretch passes where none of them say anything, because there’s nothing they can say that will compete with the film’s epic failure. After what seems like forever, Tom Servo simply comments, “This movie has certain flaws.”

I felt the same way the MST3K scribes must have as I watched the premiere episode of The United States of Tara, the new Showtime series and brainchild of Juno screenwriter Diablo Cody.

The show is nowhere near as awful Manos–few things short of war crimes are–but it is almost as hard to watch. I watched the premiere on Showtime’s website, and seriously, I had to pause it every five minutes because I couldn’t believe what I was watching. Calling it a train wreck would be insulting to disasters.

tara.jpgPremise: The titular character is a 40-something mom of two with multiple personality disorder. She’s like Bruce Banner, except that when she gets all stressed out, she doesn’t transform into The Hulk, but one of an array of hilariously costumed “alts” (as her family refers to her other selves).

I don’t know enough about multiple personality disorder to say how someone suffering from it should act, or react, or what would trigger their transformations. But I also shouldn’t have to read the DSM-IV to enjoy a show. Thus, I have no problem saying that Tara’s transformations are way too broad to be believable.

The first episode shows her as a horny, credit card-stealing teenage girl named T, and a redneck lout named Buck. I won’t describe them further, because it’s unnecessary. Just let the stereotypical look/mannerisms pop in your head; I’m sure your brain will match them perfectly.

Why did Cody stop at these two archetypes? Why not have Tara think she’s Napoleon, or Abe Lincoln, or a frog? It’d be just as plausible, and definitely more subtle.

Continue reading I’m a Schizophrenic, and So Am I →

Football

Texts Sent to Giants Stadium Security on Sunday

“Most N.F.L. stadiums now post telephone numbers for fans to send text messages to summon security personnel…By using text messages to summon security guards,
offended fans do not have to confront fellow spectators who may react
with verbal abuse or violence; they need not look obvious when seeking
ushers or guards.” — NY Times, 1/10/09

philly fan taunting me bout mets collapse even though i’m wearing a jeter jersey. help!

just saw guy in freddie mitchell jersey. srsly? wtf!

blinded by tom coughlin’s red red face

sitting in sec 127, clearly see mcnabb not harrassed all day. disgraceful.

cannot see field, too many yellow flags.

huge fat ass blocking like 90% of my view. oops, sorry, it’s andy reid.

puked into urinal, can’t flush it down. lil help?

pickin up weird sense of superiority and entitlement from philly fans. think apocalypse is upon us. repent!