This snowstorm has been a disaster for New York City. Maybe you see Midtown blanketed with white, but I see it covered in tons of green, blown away in the driving winter winds. This blizzard has put a serious cramp in my city’s fine-based economy.
Right now, tons of cars are parked illegally, and there’s nothing I can do about it! I’m haunted by the vision of so many vehicles sitting on the wrong part of the street for alternate-side parking, or positioned slightly too close to hydrants. And all those poor little expired meters, barely sticking their heads above the snowdrifts!
Not to mention all the cars literally stuck in the middle of the street, stranded by the snow. Oh, how I’d love to tow them to remote, expensive city-owned lots! But there’s so much snow on the ground, we can’t even get to the outer boroughs (whose names escape me right now).
And this is the prime fining season, too! So many people driving in from out of town, unfamiliar with our arcane and ever-shifting traffic laws. So many residents double-parking for three minutes to drop something off at an elderly relative’s house.
In case you’re wondering when we’re going to plow your neighborhood, please know that we’re working on it. First priority is Times Square, then Wall Street, then the area immediately around Zabar’s. Everything else in Manhattan will be plowed on a first-come, first-serve basis.
As for the outer boroughs, those will be plowed as soon as we can work out a way to fine each resident for the service. Right now we’re working on the same model we’ll use for charging car accident victims for getting rescued by EMTs. Maybe you think these fines haven’t gone in place yet. Well, they have. They were approved by bipartisan panels with memberships chosen completely by me at 3 in the morning on Christmas Eve.
Considering road conditions, I’ve decided to be magnanimous. Alternate side parking rules will be suspended on a rolling basis. The rules will not be in effect in three-hour sets for named streets on a reverse alphabetical order basis, skipping every other letter for obvious reasons. Numbered streets will get the same treatment based on a Fibonacci sequence. Further details can be found at geocities.com/NewYurk/sno/~parkedrules.htm
Until we can plow the streets, we hope residents will assist us to the best of their abilities by digging out their cars so we can see if you have expired inspection stickers or broken rear view mirrors. And it’d be great if you could remove enough snow from the windshield so a traffic cop can slip an orange ticket under your wipers.