People always ask me, “Joe, after you’ve cozied up with insurance bigwigs and blocked health care reform for no reason but to grab the national spotlight and stroke your own ego, how can you sleep at night?”

The answer is, Like a baby! Now that I have Noregretifan, that is!

Nogretifan is not an ordinary sleeping pill, and it’s not for everyone. Because Noregretifan is designed specifically for people like me. People who’ve done, horrible, unforgiveable things in their lives, yet still want a good night’s sleep!

Just listen to these testimonials!

I had a terrible time getting rest after I hid my mother’s death from the authorities so I could continue cashing her Social Security checks! Noregretifan took care of that! If only Nogretifan could take care of that terrible smell from my attic! — Bill S., Des Moines, IA

I hit a midlife crisis and left my wife and kids for some skank half my age. You wouldn’t think I could get any shut-eye at all. But I can, thanks to Noregretifan! — Mark D., Vallejo, CA

I know a man like me doesn’t deserve to sleep at night. Hell, I laid off half my staff last year and still pulled in a big Christmas bonus! Luckily, Noregretifan helps me keep my nightly date with The Sandman!  — Allan W., New York

How does Noregretifan work? Is it addictive? Does it have any side effects? I don’t know, and I don’t want to know! I have enough things on my mind as it is! All I know is, it keeps those nasty voices out of my brain when my head hits the pillow. You know, all those voices that tell me I’m doing something really selfish and petty that could lead to the impoverishment and death of millions of my fellow Americans!

Whether you’re a legislator with a Napoleon complex, a tionhorn tyrant, or just your average workaday sociopath, ask your doctor about Noregretifan! If you’re one of the dwindling number of Americans who can afford go to the doctor, that is!