* The cover of today’s Daily News expresses outrage that Governor Patterson is considering taxing iTunes downloads (among other things). I’m surprised it’s taken the state government this long to consider that as a revenue stream. Also, how is that tax assessed–if you buy an mp3 while using a NY-based IP address, or if you’re a NY resident anywhere buying an mp3? If the former, couldn’t I just drive to Jersey to download, say, Scott Weiland’s new solo masterpiece?

But what amused me even more about this cover was that it features a close up on an iPod, and the iPod is playing Hot Chip. Because you know that the editor-in-chief said, “Oh no, I’m not paying for a photo from Getty! Find someone in the office who’s got one of them things! Look in the steno pool if you have to!”

So after realizing the Daily News hasn’t had a steno pool since 1983, they yanked someone from the copy desk to snap a picture of his/her iPod. And they turn it on, and hit shuffle, and Hot Chip comes up. And before the iPod’s owner can protest, the photographer snaps away.

My question is: Is the owner of this iPod happy, thinking Hot Chip demonstrates their excellent taste in music? Or are they all nervous because they’re a Pitchfork-y music snob, who should be saying, “Hot Chip? *pfft* Get outta 2006! You oughta be listening to [fill in name of hot new band whose name I don’t know because I’m out of the loop and any band’s name would date this entry anyway]?”

For the record, I am neither pro- nor ant-Hot Chip. But I am the kind of person who would think he was being judged by the contents of his iPod. Especially if that iPod were splashed across the cover of a newspaper with one of the largest circulations in the country.

* The Daily News was also shocked that a Brooklyn man was given a ticket for double parking while dressed in a Santa suit.

“I saw this [traffic agent] jump out of her car and I said to one of
my elves, ‘She’s going to give me a ticket,'” said Cafiero, who
annually dons a long, white beard and red suit to bring Christmas cheer and gifts.

“The kids started crying: ‘That’s Santa’s car! That’s Santa’s car!’ But this grinch just went ahead and fined me anyways.

“Talk about a complete lack of Christmas spirit.

“I stood up and yelled, ‘Ho! Ho! Ho!’ real loud to get her attention, but she just looked at me and scanned my car,” Cafiero said.

Okay, none of this actually happened. Kids crying because Santa got a ticket?
Were they all wearing rags and hobbling on tiny wooden crutches, too?

I think the city’s fines for parking offenses are ludicrously expensive. But if they’re going to levied, let them be levied on everyone. Is the cop not supposed to do her job because the offender is wearing a Santa suit? Should he have also gotten off if he was wearing a leprechaun outfit on St. Patrick’s Day?

I didn’t know my clothes could affect what laws apply to me! I’ll just wear a Superman suit and I won’t have to worry about the laws of gravity or physics anymore.

If you think the traffic cop was being a “Grinch”, I’d bet you’d sing a different tune if you were stuck in horrible rush hour traffic on Third Avenue. Ever drive through Bay Ridge around 6pm? It’s ungodly on a good day, never mind during the holidays.

So let’s say you’re crawling along, and it takes you 20 minutes to go seven blocks. And then you realize it’s all because some jackass in a Santa suit was double parked. Think you’d be feeling the Christmas Spirit then? Nope, you’d give that guy the one-gun salute, even if he was Kris Kringle.

*
There’s a kid in New Jersey named Adolf Hitler. Of course there is. And his birthday is coming up. (What do you get a kid named Adolf for his birthday–the Sudetenland?) So naturally his parents want to get him a birthday cake. I assume it would have nothing but vanilla frosting on it.

However, the local Shop-Rite is uncomfortable with the idea of putting “Happy Birthday Adolf Hitler” on a cake. So Adolf’s parents are raising a big stink about it.

“Other kids get their cake,” [the boy’s mother] complained. “I get a hard time. It’s not fair to my children. How can a name be offensive?”

BECAUSE THAT NAME IS ADOLF FUCKING HITLER, YOU INBRED RETARD!

Of course, Adolf’s parents insist they’re not racists. They just named their children (including a daughter with the middle name Aryan Nation) after some of the most notorious racists ever.

“They’re just names, you know,” [the boy’s father] told the Easton Express-Times. “Yeah, they (the Nazis) were bad people back then. But my kids are little. They’re not going to grow up like that.”

“Sure, I named the kids after genocidal maniacs who contributed nothing but evil to the history of mankind, and I’m filling their heads with racist garbage every time I open my stupid mouth. But don’t worry, these kids’ll grow up just fine.”

Obviously, the only reason these creeps tried to get a birthday cake made at Shop-Rite is so the store could refuse, and they could act all surprised that anyone would be offended by this idea, and threaten to sue on grounds of free speech.

Thing is, free speech works both ways. Shop-Rite, a private business, has the right to refuse your patronage for any reason that isn’t un-Constitutional. So guess what, racist assholes? They don’t have to put “Adolf Hitler” on a cake, and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.

So save that money and make a cake at home. You’ll need that extra dough the next time Adolf’s dad has to post bail. Unless the gas stove in your house dedicated to cooking meth.