Yeah, I told Cole Hamels “I thought you quit” after he said he couldn’t wait for the season to end. So what? I’d say it again. I’d say it three times if I had to. If pushed, I might even say it four times. But I wouldn’t say it five times. Brett Myers don’t say nothin’ five times, not for nobody!

/pops open new can of Axe body spray, completely empties it on chest

Yeah, I know he was awesome in the postseason last year. Big fuckin’ deal. Shit is ancient history. You know what his problem is? He ain’t Philly. He ain’t one of us and he ain’t never gonna be! You know the man has never had a Tastykake? I offered him a butterscotch crimpet once and he said no thanks, and started givin’ me all this shit about preservatives and chemicals bein’ bad for you. Fuckin’ pussy.

/tries on five slightly different looking Ed Hardy shirts

We’re on the brink of another world championship. YOU DON’T QUIT ON THAT!!1! You gotta seize your Destiny! You gotta grab Destiny by the hair and drag it out into the street and punch it in the face! Cuz sometimes, you’re just tired of listenin’ to Destiny go on and on and on about all this dumb bullshit she’s doin at work!

/pounds a can of Rockstar

I AM SO PUMPED!! Get me on a mound right now! I’ll throw some chin music that horse lovin’ punk-ass A-Rod! Fuck, I’ll throw him some side-of-his-skull music! I don’t care! Think I care? CUZ I DON’T! I’LL CAVE ANYONE’S SKULL IN BECAUSE THAT’S BRETT MYERS’ PLATE YER STANDIN’ ON!

Whoah, did you see that guy lookin at me? THE FUCK YOU LOOKIN AT, ASSHOLE?! WHY DON’T YOU MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS, YA FUCKIN QUEER?!

/stomps over, lands one punch

Fuck, I think that was a parking meter. Pretty sure I just broke every bone in my pitching hand. But I had no choice! You saw the way it was blinkin’ that one red eye at me! BRETT MYERS’ DON’T TAKE NO SHIT, ESPECIALLY NOT FROM INANIMATE OBJECTS!