I’m sorry, I have to say something, because I’m boiling up over here. The NFL’s new rules against helmet-to-helmet contact and other vicious hits are just ridiculous. They get my lowest rating ever–only seven booyahs!

I agree with you one hundred percent, Stu. Football is MAN’S sport. It is played by MEN. This is what men DO–smash into one another over and over again until one of their brains is sloshing around like Jello in a Ziploc bag.

It’s gonna fag-ify the entire league! Just like in the 80s, when they said Lyle Alzado couldn’t bring his crossbow on the field anymore!

I am just SO ANGRY ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW. GOD, I WANNA THROW ROGER GOODELL DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS!

Hold on, guys. You don’t have to like all the new rules, but they’re put in place to protect the players. I wish some of them had been enacted when I still played. Maybe that way, I could still tie my own shoes without twitching or crying.

What do you know about the game, Steve?! You were just a pretty boy quarterback! The real work is done by MEN. Real MEN with suspiciously high levels of testosterone, whose impulse control is completely out of whack because of years of enabling and substance abuse! The way real men play this game, guys get hurt. Sometimes their spines get crushed like bubble wrap. IT HAPPENS, STEVE!

What about DeSean Jackson? What about Eric LeGrand?

They’re pussies, Steve, which we all know is the worst insult a man can endure!

Pussies are things that women have, and football players should never be women! They should be…wait, what’s the opposite of women?

MEN!

THEY SHOULD BE MEN!

If those guys didn’t want to suffer catastrophic, life-ruining injuries, they shoulda hit the other guy harder first. THAT’S A MAN RULE! DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU’RE AFRAID THEY’RE THINKING ABOUT DOING UNTO YOU! AND MAKE SURE YOU TEAR A BUNCHA CARTILAGE WHEN YOU DO IT!

I tell you what, if it were up to me, there would be even MORE violence in this game. Vicious hits would be REWARDED! Every safety and linebacker would carry A TIRE IRON! UNIFORMS WOULD HAVE GLASS SHARDS EMBEDDED IN THE FABRIC! Defeated players would have their SEVERED HEADS PLACED ON SPIKES OUTSIDE THE STADIUM!

And we’re gonna get violent about the way people watch the game, too!

Yeah! We’re gonna send a former cornerback into every American’s home to strap them to a couch, pry their eyes open, and force them to drink in all the brutality! Here’s an artist’s rendering.

God, I’m RAGIN over here. God, I WANNA YELL AT A WAITRESS SO BAD!

I WANNA FUCK A STEAK!