I’m going to make this press conference brief. As you all know by now, I had an affair with a 22-year-old ESPN employee. Because of that, I have been suspended indefinitely from my duties as an analyst for postseason games and ESPN’s Baseball Tonight. This woman has stalked and harassed my wife and children, so I ask that you please respect my privacy at this difficult time for me and my family. However, I will take a few brief questions. Yes, Buster Olney?
Is this for real? Or are you just pretending to be a lecherous douchebag, like you pretended to be a GM in those “press conferences” you made us do a few years back? You know, those “press conferences” that robbed all of us of our professional dignity and integrity?
This is totally real. Believe me, I wish it wasn’t…
Oh, so it’s like when you pretended to be GM of the Mets!
No, Buster, I was an actual GM. You know, I’m pretty proud of what I…
Hey, Steve, Jeremy Schaap here. Are you attracted to the criminally insane? Or are those the only women you can convince to sleep with you?
On the advice of my attorney, I’m going to have to…
Steve, Peter Gammons here. In the litany of bad decisions you’ve made in your life, which is worse: having sex with some random kookadook who ruined your life, or trading Melvin Mora for Mike Bordick?
Mike Bordick had some pretty big hits for us down the stretch in…

How about Jason Isringhausen for Billy Taylor?

Billy Taylor was a fine closer who…

How about you trying to trade both Jose Reyes and David Wright while they were still prospects?

Peter, those deals didn’t go through, so…

Steve, you nearly ruined the Mets, you were universally hated as a talking head, and now your personal life is in shambles and you’ve got zero credibility because you couldn’t keep it in your pants. All because you got off on a power trip to bedding a subordinate less than half your age.
Do you have a question, Buster?
No, I don’t, Steve. I just wanted to remind you how totally fucked you are right now.
Thanks, Buster. Okay, thank you all for your time. I have to go now…
Oh no, Steve, you’re not going anywhere. This is where you stay now.
This is where I stay now? I don’t understand.
ESPN has an Ironic Punishment room for all of its employees who commit sexual harassment.
Yeah. This is where they’ve been keeping Sean Salisbury for the past two years. His cell phone constantly rings, but it’s always other dudes texting him pictures of their junk.

IT’S TORTURE! DELICIOUS TUMESCENT TORTURE!