Do you remember that simpler time in America? Do you remember how that felt? Do you remember this commercial?

Yes, there was a time when tow-headed young boys could give Cokes to famous defensive linemen. And the linemen would give the children sweaty souvenirs! When was the last time you saw that in Obama’s America? What has happened to our nation? Or how about this, do you remember this?

We were all Peppers back then! No one saw color! It didn’t
matter if you were a boatin’ Pepper, a totin’ Pepper, a cookin’ Pepper,
or a good lookin’ Pepper! It didn’t even matter if you were Popeye! We
all danced on the deck of a Staten Island Ferry boat! Only when I look
at ads like this do I realize how much we’ve lost! Still not convinced?
How about this, do you remember this?

Maybe I’m just a sentimental old fluff, but I still hanker for hunka cheese! American cheese! And I still remember that weird yellow meatball-lookin’
guy who taught me how to make wagon wheels! America used to snack hard! And America used to work hard and honor industry, industry like the kind seen here!

But we could have fun, too! Even when we disagreed on deep,
philosophical issues, we could come together to have a few laughs! See?

It was an innocent, a childlike time. A time where you didn’t have to grow up, if you didn’t want to!

I wish we could go back to that time, just for one day! I wanted a Wuzzle so bad! But my parents wouldn’t get one for me! And why not? Because their spirits were crushed by the relentless assault of rampant liberalism!
And also because I threw a fully cooked ham in the backyard pool. But I
had to! That ham wouldn’t stop talking to me! Yes, we used to punish
insolent hams once upon a time! Now we let naughty hams and criminals run free in the streets! Free, like scurrying 8-bit monsters!

What is going on in this country?! Everything’s changed! Everything’s different from the way it used to be, which is bad! Everything looks…different now! It’s as if…

Yes, that’s it! Everything’s become a Tootsie Roll! Everything! This desk, the cameras, my face…my face! It’s made of delicious Tootsie Rolls! I know what I must do now! I must eat my own face! Hey you, camera guy, pass me a knife!