With the NFL season about to kickoff, Scratchbomb has asked a few luminaries to give us their takes on the upcoming football season. Next up, Cleveland Browns superfan John “Big Dawg” Thompson.

Who, me? You’re not gonna ask somebody from somewhere else?

You’re goddamn serious? *sigh* Okay, great here we go. Whoopee.

Yeah, I’m excited about this season. Gonna be great watching Jake Delhomme do the…thing…with the football. Mike Holmgren should be able to, um, do some things with this…team.

Gonna be tough, of course. The Ravens have Joe Flacco and Ray Lewis and Ray Rice, but we’ve got Colt McCoy!

And the Steelers have won two Super Bowls in the last five seasons and Troy Polamalu looks healthy again. But hey, Cleveland’s got Bobby Engram.

And the Bengals have T.O. and Ochocinco and Carson Palmer, but the Browns…the Browns have…

FUCK YOU! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO ASK ME TO DO THIS?! FUCK YOU IN HALF! YOU SEE THIS DOG MASK? IT ISN’T A MASK ANYMORE! I GOT PLASTIC SURGERY TO MAKE MY FACE LOOK LIKE THIS! I DID THIS FOR A FOOTBALL TEAM! A HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE FOOTBALL TEAM! WHY DID I DO THIS TO MYSELF?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!

At least Cleveland still has the best basketball player in the world. OH WAIT, NO WE DON’T. HE SHIT ALL OVER US TO PLAY SECOND FIDDLE IN MIAMI. LEBRON WOULD RATHER BE #2 THERE THAN #1 HERE. THANK GOD WE DON’T HAVE A HOCKEY TEAM, BECAUSE THEY’D JUST SHIT ALL OVER MY DREAMS, TOO!

WHY DO YOU THINK I GOT CAUGHT ON A DUI RAP LAST YEAR? I JUST WANT THIS VALE OF TEARS TO END! LET ME DIE AND COME BACK AS AN ASSHOLE COWBOYS FAN AND MAYBE I’LL KNOW HAPPINESS IN THE NEXT LIFE! ARRRRRRRRRGH!

You know what, though, I think Josh Cribbs is gonna have a monster year, I can just feel it.