Jerry, I don’t need to tell you that this year didn’t go the way we planned. But it would help both of us out if the team could play well down the stretch. You know, salvage some of our dignity, and maybe our jobs.
We’re still playing? Sorry, I blacked out sometime in July as a psychological defense mechanism. Besides, I thought you traded you traded your dignity at the waiver deadline a few years back for Luis Ayala.
In any case, we need to some up with a plan for next year. Most of our prospects are 12 years old or going to the Red Sox. I thought I was getting a couple of minor leaguers back for Billy Wagner, but Theo Epstein made me sign all these forms…I still don’t know how it happened, but they get our first and second round picks for the next eight years.
It’s just as well. I don’t like young players anyway, full of spunk and promise and hope. Makes me sick.
So we’ll need to address our needs via free agency. First up, the hole in left field.
I heard about that. Big patch of quicksand ate up Jeremy Reed.

I meant the figurative hole in left field next year. What do you think about going after Matt Holliday?
I don’t know about him. I mean, he’s exactly the kind of player we could use and all, but he doesn’t look like the kind of guy I could easily berate in public and drive out of town.
What about Carl Crawford, assuming the Rays don’t pick up his option?
Young, flashy, hits homers and steals bases…don’t we have one of those already?
Yeah, but we’re gonna have to trade Jose Reyes this offseason.
Why?
‘Cause all the papers say I have to. You don’t know these papers, Jerry. Last time I ignored them, they turned Tony Bernazard into a snarling beast and forced me to slander one of the beat reporters!
I don’t get why the papers want us to trade Reyes.
Because he’s part of the core, and the core is what has failed us these past
few seasons. The core is rotten, Jerry! I think I saw that on the back page of the Daily News, in a small corner box above a huge headline about the Yankees enjoying an off day.
But Reyes is my leadoff hitter. I need one of those for batting first!
Oh Jerry, get with the times. You can bat anyone first! I had one of my assistants read a Bill James book and give me the gist of it, and I think I remember him saying something like that.
I don’t know about that Bill James fella. Isn’t he one of those guys who
believes in “stats” and “decisions based on prior experience”?
I know what you’re thinking: Reyes is one of the guys in our lineup who
wouldn’t be negatively impacted by our cavernous new stadium. He’s one
of our most popular players. He’s still really young, relatively cheap, and under control for a few more years. I’ve considered all these things. And I’ve also considered that trading him would make Mike Lupica and Phil Mushnick really happy.
Hey guys, I heard you might be shopping Jose Reyes.
I don’t know, Theo. Maybe we are, maybe we aren’t.
But you totally are.
Um…yeah, we are. Damn, how does he do that?
Let’s see…we’ve had a big problem at shortstop for years…we have a rich, deep farm system…Reyes’ contract makes him a huge bargain…Sure, I can
do you a favor and take this exciting run producer off your hands. I’ve got this strapping reliever you’ll just love. His name is Rich Garces.
You mean El Guapo? Sold!
Don’t you want to look at his scouting report first?
His what?
Oh yeah, I forgot, you guys don’t have scouts.
They were all seized as part of the Bernie Madoff investigation.
Cool. I’m gonna fax something over to make this whole thing official. Just go ahead and sign it, no need to read the thing. It’s only a buncha boring legal mumbo jumbo that entitles us to additional prospects and percentage of your profits and whatnot.
Don’t worry about that, Theo. I can’t read! I mean, I probably can, but I don’t like to, and I haven’t done it in so long I’m not sure how good I am at it anymore.
Man, I love working with you guys. Oh, and before I forget, Rich thinks he’s getting paid in cheeseburgers.
Or mofongo. They ain’t got no good mofongo in Boston.
Are we done here? I gotta get back to the clubhouse. I just thought of nine different ways to ruin Josh Thole’s life.