There have been a lot of untruths out there about my health care plan. So I want to reassure the American people that illegal immigrants will not be covered under this plan.
YOU LIE!
No, I don’t actually. And I think it’s highly disrespectful of you to just yell at the President of the United States like that. If you disagree with me, fine, but…
YOU’RE NOT FUNNY!
I’m not trying to be funny. This is not a comedy club.
FREEBIRD!
Wow, there’s a blast from the past. When you’re done with that brilliant retort, 1993 needs it back. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m trying to deliver a speech here.
YOU SHOULD DELIVER MY WAITRESS OVER HERE SO I CAN GET ANOTHER GIN AND TONIC!
You’ll have to speak up. I don’t speak Inbred Cracker Peckerwood.

HEY, C’MON, MAN…
This is Congressman Joe Wilson, ladies and gentlemen. I assume your district lies on top of some kind of toxic waste dump, or is home to a head
trauma center. The average resident must have a high level of brain damage, which would explain how a numbnuts like you could get elected.
Who was your opponent, a cinder block? No, it couldn’t have been–you’d
never measure up to a cinder block in a political debate.
HEY, BUDDY. I WAS JUST HAVIN’ SOME FUN…
Yeah, just having some fun with the most powerful man in the free world.
That’s a great idea, Mensa candidate. What college did you attend, and
did they let you keep the big floppy shoes when you graduated?
I ACTUALLY WENT TO WASHINGTON AND LEE…
You’re from South Carolina, right? Home of the Cocks. You must love the Cocks, huh? Can’t get enough of the Cocks. I bet you eat, breathe and sleep
Cocks.
WELL I…
You heard it hear, folks: Joe Wilson loves Cocks! Yes, South Carolina, the
state that gave us that delightful romp known as the Civil War! Are you guys planning on seceding again? Please don’t! I don’t know where the rest of America would get its supply of meth, bedsheets, and trucker nuts!
WE ALSO MAKE RICE…
Yes, Joe Wilson, a Congressman so stupid he thinks ‘cloture’ is a really harsh way to shut a door.
IT ISN’T?
You are an inspiration to all Americans, that a man can rise to the highest
legislative body in the land without having a single functioning brain cell. It takes a special kind of man to shout at the top of his lungs at the President. And I mean special in the ‘short bus’ sense.
NOW YOU’RE JUST BEING MEAN.
No, I admire you! It takes a REALLY big man to yell at someone while he’s
trying to talk to his constituency and can’t possibly fight back. You really know how to compensate for your glaring deficiencies as a man! Speaking of which, Joe Biden and I have this ongoing argument. He thinks your penis is the size of a cornichon, while I figure it can’t be any bigger than a tomato bud.
I DON’T LIKE THIS SHOW ANYMORE.
Thank you, folks. You’ve been a great crowd. I’ll be here all term! But hopefully this douchetard won’t be.