Ms. Sotomayor, I appreciate that you rose from humble origins, but some statements you’ve made over the years about your ethnic background lead me to believe you might let your identity cloud your judgment.
Senator Graham, I don’t think simply recognizing one’s identity necessarily clouds one’s judgment. Every person alive has an identity, and they are constantly influenced by that identity.
Not Michael Knight.
Who?
Michael Knight, of TV’s Knight Rider.
Knight Rider?
Ms. Sototmayor, are you telling me that you want to be a Supreme Court justice and yet you are unfamiliar with Knight Rider?
I remember the program, but I can’t say I saw it more than once or twice.
If you’ll recall, Michael Knight was, in the words of the opening credits, “a man who does not exist”.
So you want a Supreme Court justice to be like David Hasselhoff?
No, I want you to be more like Michael Knight! I thought I made that clear! Michael Knight had no identity. And yet, he was a one-man crime-fighting machine! An engine of justice, if you will.

But wasn’t he assisted by a state-of-the-art talking car as well?
Yes, also known as KITT, voiced by William Daniels, later seen as Cory’s principal on Boy Meets World, which I didn’t care for very much.
Just
as Michael Knight was assisted by KITT in his fight against crime, I
feel that my background and experiences aid me in my career as a
justice.
But KITT was a robot, Ms. Sotomayor. A robot does not have an identity.
A
robot has a creator, who in turn has an identity. Ipso facto, that
identity informs the robot’s programming. KITT was surely influenced by
the identity of whoever created him…
Are you reffering to self-made billionaire Wilton Knight, or the character of Devon Miles, as played by Edward Mulhare?
Um, I was really just speaking hypothetically to try and draw an analogy…
Because
Devon Miles was just a spokesman for FLAG, the agency responsible for
KITT. A lot of people confused him with KITT’s creator because he
appeared in nearly every episode to communicate mission information to
Michael and KITT. However, he was neither a scientist nor an engineer and he had no part in KITT’s development.
I apologize for my lack of knowledge of the finer details of Knight Rider continuity.
No need to apologize, it’s a common mistake.
Senator Graham, do you have any legal questions you’d like me to address?
Yes. Do you think it would be legal for an employer to require his interns to read his Knight Rider fan fiction?
I don’t think it would be constitutional for an employer to force his any of his employees to read anything. The First Amendment is quite clear about…
Keep in mind, Ms. Sotomayor, that this is top shelf
fanfic. I have one where Michael and KITT go to Afghanistan to catch
Osama bin Laden. I have another where myself, Michael, and KITT help
South Carolina win the NCAA tournament. I know what you’re thinking:
how do two middle-aged men and a talking car help a college basketball
team? You’ll just have to read to find out!
Do you have any legal questions that don’t involve Knight Rider?
Yes. Do you remember Misfits of Science?
Vaguely.
Wasn’t that show awesome? How could they cancel it before the finale?!
I never saw it.
If the Supreme Court heard a case about bringing Misfits of Science back to the air, how would you vote?
I highly doubt the Supreme Court would ever weigh in on television programming decisions.
Well, I wish somebody would! My wife tried to get me to pass a resolution in Congress that would put Beauty and the Beast back on the air. I told her, “Honey, if I can’t get a resolution like that passed for Buffalo Bill, I certainly can’t get it passed for Beauty and the Beast!” Dabney Coleman is a national treasure!
I think your time’s almost up, Senator.
I’m sure my colleagues will yield me some time to quiz you on trivia about Manimal.
They will?
Sure! Anything to keep Jeff Sessions from accidentally mentioning the KKK.
It’s true! I think about the Klan non-stop!