Thank you for sticking with Joe Buck Live, starring me, Joe Buck, as Joe Buck, the humble middle American sportscaster who rose to the pinnacle of the sportscasting world by sheer grit and determination and being the son of a legendary broadcaster. In my next segment, we discuss the intersection of celebrity with sports. Has it gone too far? Is there any way to stop it? And what’s the deal my hair? To discuss this compelling topic with me, here is the renowned social commentator Artie Lange.
/spews filth and gay jokes for ten minutes

America, I apologize. When I invited Artie to be a part of my show, there was no way I could have known he would act like this. 


What are you talking about? I always act like this.
And I share your OUTRAGE and DISGUST that someone would behave like this on national television.


C’mon, this is HBO. Is what I said any worse that seeing Phil Leotardo’s head crushed by an SUV? Or any more horrifying than Sarah Jessica Parker’s head?

Hopefully, my next guest will stick to the topic and elevate the level of discussion. Please welcome the Distinguished Professor of Sports Anthropology at Cornell University, Miss Typhoid Mary.

*cough*
/room fills with deadly bacteria

I apologize to my studio audience for infecting them all with a hideous disease. But honestly, how could I possibly know such a thing would happen when I invited Typhoid Mary to my show? I’m certain that my next guests will do a better job of keeping the decorum at a family-friendly and less-life-threatening level. Please welcome two bonobo chimps.

/fling feces
/engage in ritualistic homoerotic behavior
/fuck each other violently

That is just unacceptable. I apologize again, America. Nothing could have prepared me for these primates’ behavior, other than decades of zoological research. I’ll have to go back to my original plan: I’ll place these pressurized cans of solvent next to a lit acetylene torch and a pile of oily rags. I’m sure this group can stimulate a lively adult conversation.

FOOOOM