Where have I been? Out. I went out.

I was gone for four days? No, I don’t think so. No, I’m pretty sure I was just out for the afternoon.

Today’s Wednesday? Really? Yeah, I guess I was gone for four days. Boy, time flies when you’re…well, you know.

Where did I go? Hiking. Took a little hike. You know how I love to hike, honey. Can’t get enough of that hiking.

What’s this? A duty free bag. They got some great stuff in them stores. I got a hundred Kit Kats for, like, five bucks.

Yeah, I was at the airport. Why?

Oh, I see. My staff told you I was on the Appalachian Trail. That’s where the whole misunderstanding comes from. See, they have code phrases they use so no one else can figure out where I am. So when they said I was “hiking on the Appalachian Trail”, what they meant was I was on a very important diplomatic mission to…France. Qatar. Argentina-land.

I meant Argentina! See, sometimes we use “France” and “Qatar” as, um, alternating code words for “Buenos Aires”. See, I’m getting myself all mixed up now!

I know I said I was hiking. That was because of the hiking code word, so I got that all mixed up with…you know, I’m so confused from the trip and the jet lag and the secret code words and whatnot, I think I’m gonna turn in early tonight…

What was I doing in Buenos Aires? Oooh, that’s a good question. It was a diplomatic mission, honey. You know how those are. Just trying to get the Argentinians to be more, um, diplomatic. Can’t say too much about it, though. Pretty hush hush, you see.

Why was I on a diplomatic mission for the current president, who I don’t like very much? Boy, that’s another good question. You are just full of them today! Well, honey, some things are bigger than partisan politics. And I would love to tell what those things are, I really would! But I am just so bushed from my flight, I think I’ll just go hit the hay right now! *yawn*

Why was this trip such a big secret? It wasn’t a secret, honey! Sure, I left for several days and didn’t tell you or anyone else where I was going, but that doesn’t make it a secret!

Okay, fine, that does make it a secret. Technically. We’re not gonna argue semantics, are we? Because I could do the same thing back to you! What does the word “secret” mean, huh? Think about it!

Jeez! Can’t the executive of a state of the union go completely off the grid for a long weekend to commit certain unnamed deeds without it being a huge deal?

Tell you what. Why don’t you fix me a scotch and we’ll go watch Jon and Kate Plus 8 on Tivo. Sound like a plan? Great.

Oh, and honey? If you ever tell the press you don’t know where I am again, you’re gonna wind up with a pair of cement shoes. Got it?

Good. Thanks, sweetie! Still waiting on that scotch!