Hello, Americans, it’s your veep. After my ground-breaking announcement on swine flu last week, President Obama decided he wanted me right in the thick of the fight against pandemics. That’s why I’m here in North Dakota, counting buffalo herds.

Actually, now that I say those words out loud, it doesn’t make too much sense. Shouldn’t I be in some Mexican bordertown? Or maybe in Arkansas inspecting pigs, instead of buffalo? This assignment seemed a lot less ridiculous when Barry told me about it a couple of days ago. If nothing else, I could be back in Washington, giving the president some more of my valuable advice.

Anyways, now that I finally found a spot where my Blackberry works, I wanna give the people my take on this whole swine flu thing. Because there’s a lot of misinformation going around, and if there’s one thing I know, it’s how to calm down hysterical masses.

First off, you cannot get swine flu from eating bacon. That’s just preposterous. Unless the bacon was prepared by someone who had swine flu. Then it’s a distinct possibility. Especially if the guy cut his finger while slicing it up. In that case, swine flu is the least of your problems, believe me!

Of course, FDA regulations would require such meat to be discarded, so it’s not likely that bacon would ever make it to market. Unless it came from some slipshod operation whose owner bribed local authorities to look the other way. Then yeah, that could totally happen.

I know what you’re thinking: How many meat processing plants are actually like that, really? I mean, this is America, right? The answer is, hundreds. Maybe thousands. You don’t even want to know.

I’ve seen some people wearing surgical masks in the street, and I want to assure you that these are completely unnecessary. Do you know how tiny a flu virus is? You might as well try to catch a bumblebee with a fishnet. If that little germ wants to get in your mouth, a mess of cloth and a rubber band ain’t gonna stop it, believe me. No point in catching a debilitating illness and looking ridiculous at the same time.

The important thing is, if you suspect you have swine flu–even the slightest bit, based on the slimmest piece of evidence–get yourself to a hospital ER immediately. Just get in the car and floor it. Do not obey any traffic signs. Run red lights. If you come to a police barricade, plow right through it.

Once you get to the ER, if you can’t see a doctor right away, just scream a lot. That should speed you towards the front of the line.

I want to assure the American people that we will get through this. Our best scientists are working around the clock on a flu vaccine, and once they find it, we’ll all be out of the woods.

That is, until the flu virus evolves an immunity to this vaccine and comes back stronger and deadlier six months from now. Which will totally happen. Because a virus’ life cycle is so tiny that they can go through a million generations in just a few short months. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if those little bastards were making crude hand-tools and wielding fire in a few years. Then we’re all in some serious trouble!

But at least six months gives us all enough time to accept our fates and make our peace with our respective gods.