Welcome bu-HACK to The Mike Francesa Program, New York’s Number 1, coming to you live from Port St. Lucie, where spring training has begin. The period called spring training is upon us. The time of year generally referred to by most baseball fans as spring training is here. Something has started to occur down here in Florida, and that thing I’m referring to is spring training. I’m at Mets camp, where apparently they’re preparing for the upcoming season, rather than throwing in the towel by Opening Day as I suggested. My first guest on the program is a fifth starter candidate and a promising young pitcher, Jon Niese.

Thanks for having me on the show, Mike.

Let me ask you a question, Jon. Didn’t you have some sort of injury or something last year?

Um, yeah, I did. Tore a hamstring pretty bad. Couldn’t you have just looked that up before the interview?

Where would I have looked it up, the internet? I don’t trust those calculator things. They got viruses and cookies in ’em. Now, let me ask you something else: Are you a lefty or a righty?

I’m a lefty. Any other questions you want to ask me that could’ve been answered by the back of my baseball card?

Yes, as a matter of fact. With Damon and Matsui gone, do you think the Yankee lineup will be as explosive as it was last year? How do you think Granderson’s gonna do in his first year in pinstripes?

To be honest, I haven’t given the Yankees’ question marks much thought, since they won the World Series last year and I don’t play for them. I’ve been concentrating on breaking into the starting rotation and recovering from a horrific injury.

Don’t get testy with me, young man. This is how it works, son. I’m the number one host on the Mets’ flagship radio station, and I’m here in Port St. Lucie visiting your team. Of course I have to talk about the Yankees!

You do that. I gotta go stand over here for a while
/leaves


Alright, my next guest is probably the biggest star on the Mets, their shining star, their beacon, their other bright thing I can’t think of a word for right now. Yes, it’s Alex Cora. Alex, you grace us with your presence.

That’s very flattering, but are you sure you’re talking about me?

Maybe I’m thinking of someone else. Are you the guy who plays third and never says anything interesting?

No, you’re thinking of David Wright.

Oh yeah! How is he?

He seems fine. I haven’t had a chance to talk to him yet this spring, really.

Now I remember you. You used to play for the Red Sox. What was it like being at Fenway when Bucky Dent hit that homer?

I wouldn’t know. When that happened, I was three years old and living in Puerto Rico.

Really? You don’t look that young. So that would make you, what, six years old now?

No, the Bucky Dent Game was in 1978.

Okay, and how long ago was that?

You want me to tell you how long ago 1978 was?

Yeah. Doesn’t have to be precise. A ballpark figure will do.

A hundred years ago.

Wow! Say, is that a long time?

/leaves

Maybe our next guest knows how long a hundred years is. His name is Dan Murphy, first baseman for the Mets. Dan, do you know how long a hundred years is?

It’s a hundred years, Mike.

Of course. I knew that, of course. So what’ve you been up to this winter?

Working out, catching up with old friends, trying to convince everyone I’m not the worst first baseman in the majors.

Who said that about you?

You did. Constantly.

Really? So I trashed you on the air?

All the time. One time, you said that my presence in the everyday Mets
lineup was responsible for both earthquakes in Haiti and Chile and Jay Leno’s return to late night.

Yeah, that sounds like something I might say. But you gotta understand, Dan, that’s what I do. I treat you like a war criminal so’s I can tweak Mets fans in the offseason, then you come on my show and I pretend like you’re my best friend in the whole world. That’s how you get to be New York’s number 1. Ask your buddy Dave, he knows how the game is played. So when I said these horrible things about you, how did you respond?

My first response was to beat you to a bloody pulp. But then I remembered that you’re a bitter, tiny man who trades in misery and unhappiness. And that even if I never become a better ballplayer than I am now, I’ll still have given a few moments of joy to fans and produced some happiness in this world, which is more than you’ll ever do.

That is quite a burn! I wouldn’t wanna be in my shoes right now! Thanks for being on the show, Dan, and I look forward to bad mouthing you again the second you leave my sight.

Eat a bag of dicks, fatso.

Dan Murphy, class act!