Before we take vote on this historic health care reform legislation, I yield some time on the floor to the cream of the Republican kookadook crop. First up, the distinguished gentleman from Georgia, Representative Paul Broun.

This just ain’t health care reform they’re passin, folks. This is the second great war of Yankee aggression! And I for one ain’t gonna stand for it! I’ve bought a Civil War-era musket, I’m workin on a beard, and I’ve written a soulful, somber letter back home to my wife, which I request be recited by Robert Duvall.

Your time is up, Mr. Broun. I now yield time to the distinguished gentleman from Iowa, Representative Steve King.

The fact that this bill is being voted on on a Sunday, during Lent, I find this an affront to God. Because this year for Lent, I gave up giving a shit about other human beings.


Thank you, Mr. King. I now yield time to the distinguished gentlewoman from Minnesota, Representative Michelle Bachmann.

THIS IS GOING TO CHANGE OUR COUNTRY FOREVER! THEY’RE GOING TO MAKE EVERYONE EAT DIRT FOR DINNER! SOCIALIST DIRT! ALSO, I READ SOMEWHERE THAT QUOTE-UNQUOTE PRESIDENT OBAMA IS ACTUALLY A
FERRET FROM THE PLANET OF BROCKTOON, A CELESTIAL BODY ASTRONOMERS HAVE NEVER SEEN BECAUSE IT IS ALWAYS HIDING BEHIND THE MOON!
That will be quite enough, Ms. Bachmann.

I WILL NOT BE IGNORED, NANCY!

If there are not further objections, we will commence voting…

Madame Speaker, if I may, I’d like to request a do-over.

There’s no such thing as a Congressional do-over, Mr. Boehner.

I don’t recall Madame Speaker declaring a writ of no-backsies, no give-sies.

That’s because there’s no such thing as that, either.

Fine. Then I request several minutes of national television airtime to go ape shit and look freakishly orange.

How orange, Mr. Boehner?

Like, Snooki orange.

Request granted.
Thank you, Madame Speaker. Ahem…HAS ANYONE READ THIS BILL? HAS ANYONE READ THIS BILL? NO, YOU HAVE NOT, BECAUSE READING IS HARD, AND I DROPPED OUT OF SCHOOL IN THE THIRD GRADE! I AM ASHAMED OF THIS BODY! JUST LOOK AT THIS BODY! I KEEP PROMISING MYSELF I’M GONNA HIT THE GYM AND START EATING RIGHT BUT I NEVER DO IT! JUST LOOK AT THIS GUT ON ME! WHERE HAVE THE YEARS GONE?!