Yesterday, a friend of mine asked if the douche from The Bachelor had a Twitter account. For reasons that are still unclear to me, I used this as a springboard to create a fake Twitter account for him. Of course, I could count the number of Bachelor episodes I’ve seen on one hand; most of my knowledge of the show has been gleaned from Best Week Ever. But when in doubt, make your target look like a loutish dolt. That’s my motto!

I was prepared to do this for weeks. I had plans. Ooooh, did I have plans. But then my lawyers (ie, The Wife) explained to me that I could have my account suspended and have all sorts of nasty things done to me. Having gone through account suspension in other online endeavors (eat shit and die, Roger Clemens), I decided I’d rather not risk my real Twitter account in order to slander someone I don’t even know.

I also didn’t want to risk the Twitter accounts of my contributors Sean from Massapequa and Skitch Hanson. Because they would be tainted by their very association with me! That is a risk I can not stomach!

But I thought you, the gentle reader, would like a retrospective of the brief, wondrous life of THE_REAL_BACH. Forgive me for presenting this in improper oldest-to-newest order. I think it flows better this way.

THE_REAL_BACH

THE_REAL_BACH
at the deli. asked counter guy for pastrami on rye, then walked out with a tuna melt. THE HEART WANTS WHAT IT WANTS

THE_REAL_BACH
Goin to my bud Tank’s house later. We’re gonna burn one and play COD4.
But first, I’m gonna launch and all-out assault on this tuna melt.

THE_REAL_BACH cell phone blowin up again. who is it? Molly? jeez, girl, let a man breathe!

THE_REAL_BACH
in case you were wondering, the season finale was scripted: BY ME. I CAME UP WITH THAT IN MY BRAIN AND I OFFICIALLY BLEW AMERICA’S MIND!

THE_REAL_BACH
didn’t tell producers cuz they’d be like ‘you’re too real!’ &’you’re ruining our multimillion $ investment!’ psh. backa my hand, hollywood!

THE_REAL_BACH
I’m totally gonna conquer Hollywood with my writings. Me and my bro
Tank are gonna bang out some scripts, right after 7 hours of COD4

THE_REAL_BACH Here’s my screenplay ideas: “Facepuncher”, “The World According to My Fist”, and “The Romantic Lover’ (for the ladies!)

THE_REAL_BACH
Facepuncher: ex-Marine (think Van Damme + Travis Bickel + Chucky)
clears his nabe of drugdealin scum with zen cool & grenade launchers

THE_REAL_BACH The World According to My Fist: Navy Seal gets super powers from nuclear waste, dies, goes to hell and kicks the devil’s ass

AdamDCallan
Need that “Rockband” microphone so I can record horribly inappropriate
taunts for Chipper Jones. Hmm…is Kenny Rogers still in the league?

scratchbomb @AdamDCallan you could probably do it with one those headset mics that fat kids use to taunt eachother with in Halo, too

THE_REAL_BACH @scratchbomb hey, i got one of those. i use it all the time when me & tank are smokin punks in COD4. AND I AIN”T FAT, ASSHOLE

THE_REAL_BACH The Romantic Lover: smokin hot girl hurt by bad boyfriend meets super stud (me). Will they totally do it? (SPOILER: THEY DO)

THE_REAL_BACH man, me and Tank killed so many fake Russians in COD4 today, I should be tried for war crimes.

THE_REAL_BACH goin down to in’n out burger for post-COD4 victory party. chick behind the counter = totally into me

THE_REAL_BACH I AM ON TOP OF THE WORLD! THIS FAME TRIP WILL NEVER END! YOU HEAR ME?! NEVER!!!

THE_REAL_JSBACH @THE_REAL_BACH I object! This man is an imposter! I’ll wager he’s never composed a single fugue in his life!