Hey, it’s time for my annual anti-St. Patrick’s Day rant!

I actually didn’t want to write anything on the subject this year. Having just returned from the Emerald Isle, I’ve had enough of pubs and shamrocks and whatnot for a while. And I really wanted to move forward with the recounting of my trip overseas. Then I heard this:

“In the Irish Times interview, [NY St. Patrick’s parade chairman John] Dunleavy said, ‘If an Israeli group wants to march in New York, do you allow Neo-Nazis into their parade? If African Americans are marching in Harlem, do they have to let the Ku Klux Klan into their parade?'”

Dunleavy was referring to the perpetually doomed cause of the Irish Lesbian and Gay Organization and their wish to march in the St. Patrick’s Day parade. Because obviously, like Neo-Nazis and the Klan, ILGO intends to destroy the Irish nation. Aside from being one of the most colossally retarded things I’ve read in a while, the statement is not analogous. For his analogy to truly work, he would have had to refer to someone like Ian Paisley. Or Oliver Cromwell.

As a private organization, the Ancient Order of Hibernians can include and exclude whoever they want in their parade, and the courts seem to agree on this matter. But seriously, are gays and lesbians going to denigrate the sanctity and pride of this parade? It’s a day when thousands of teenagers skip school to put shamrock stickers on their faces and see if they can get served at Tipsy McBusrtCappilary’s Fake Irish Pub. A day that just serves as an excuse for tons of people, regardless of ethnicity, to get blind, gut-puking drunk. A day that completely and utterly plays into every single unsavory Irish stereotype that exists, from alcoholism to needless pugnaciousness to off-key caterwauling in the street to wearing dumb hats.

And your primary concern is that no one think that there are any Irish queers? Feck off.

Of course, go to any Irish pub and you will see proudly displayed a poster of the Hibernian literary greats. Two “sexual deviants” are invariably included among them: Oscar Wilde, jailed for “the love that dare not speak its name”, and James Joyce, who for all intents and purposes was hounded out of Ireland because he dared to suggest that the Irish occasionally enjoy non-procreative, non-missionary-position fucking.

Consider this, you bold Fenian men: The ancient Irish kings used to celebrate their coronations by publicly fucking a white mare. That’s part of your heritage, too. If you’re willing to laugh off that bit of pagan bestiality and yet frown on loving consensual adult relationships, you are hypocrites and morons. Good day.