To all the Yankee fans, baseball fans, and sports fans out there, I would like to humbly apologize for getting caught doing steroids. I promise that, in the future, I will restrict my performance-enhancing drug use to designer chemicals still untraceable to known science.

I ask that those who would judge me put themselves in my shoes. I had just signed a huge contract with the Texas Rangers. A ridiculous contract. I mean, good Christ, you can’t even imagine how much money that is. Like, Oprah money. Therefore, people who want to criticize me should first prove that they have as much money as me. Otherwise, I think they’re unqualified to judge my state of mind.

You also have to understand that I tested positive in 2003, a much simpler time. I know that’s only 6 years ago, but think about how much we’ve changed as a society in just that short amount of time. You know what came out in 2003? “Rock Your Body.” That was, like, Justin Timberlake’s first big solo hit. Everyone was still like, “pfft, the guy from NSync? He’ll never have a sustainable pop career!” Now the guy’s huge! How far we’ve come…

In 2003, I was young and dumb. Sure, I was already 25, and married, and had already done more things and seen more of the world than most people my age. But I think “young and dumb” is a relative term. I’m young and dumb compared to Einstein, who is smart and dead. See? Science proves it.

If you want anyone to blame for destroying your illusions, go talk to my cousin from the Dominican. He’s the one who got me the steroids and showed me how to use them. I mean, don’t really go talk to him, because I totally can’t give you his name. But trust me, that guy’s bad news.

Also, I have this other cousin who totally let me touch her boob one Christmas when I was 13. Is that weird?

Speaking of the Dominican, I hope no one perceives my sudden acquisition of a Latin accent as some sort of pandering ploy for sympathy from Hispanic baseball fans. Because it totally is.

In conclusion, I look forward to putting this all behind me and once again disappointing Yankee fans solely on the field.