So let me get this straight. Everyone’s all bent out of shape because I haven’t magically fixed the economy and gotten us out of Iraq in my first 12 months in office.

Are all of you people fucking retarded?

Hey, remember the last guy to hold this office? The one who ruined everything and wouldn’t allow himself to be questioned? It took him eight years to dig the cesspit we’re in now. It’s gonna take more than one year to claw our way out of it.

You do know that, right? Or are all of you seriously retarded?

I don’t know who’s worse. I got professional douchenozzles like Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity who say shit about me that, in any other country, would get a person thrown in jail. Sometimes I wish I’d been president in some little banana republic. I’d have those assholes whipped in public, every day.

And then there’s you whiny little bitches on the left. “Wah, he’s not going fast enough! Wah, he’s just like Bush!” Just like Bush?! That guy wiped his ass with the Constitution and couldn’t put two coherent words together! Are you fucking people blind?!

Jesus H. Christ.

It just so happens I have a plan right here that will get us out of this recession. But it will take a few years, and clearly you people have no patience whatsoever. So how about ice cream for everyone! Hooray! Everyone gets a big bowl of ice cream! And when that runs out, I’ll whip out a nice shiny object you can stare at! Happy days are here again! Zippa-dee-doo-fucking-da!

/folds arms

/shakes head slowly for seven minutes

I mean…

Christ Almighty.