With The Big Game (c) (r) almost upon us, Scratchbomb welcomes Tram Woodreaux, host of the popular cooking show Off the Rails! on The Grub Network and owner of the popular Galveston restaurant The Whee!house.

First off, how do I pronounce your restaurant’s name?

It’s like “wheelhouse”, but you make sure you add some extra zip on the first syllable. We like to do things a little nutty down at the Whee!house. We got this poster in the kitchen that says, “You don’t have to be crazy to work here, but it helps!” That’s a joke, of course. We don’t hire actual crazy people. Not after what happened last time.

I’m sure you heard that there’s a wing shortage right now. So say you can’t get wings for your Super Bowl party. What’s the next best thing?

I think you can’t go wrong with a couple of Hostess Suzy-Q’s, arranged on a sporty football shaped platter, and covered with Kraft Cheez-Whiz. I call ’em Touchdown Tortes!

Yuck. That sounds completely awful.

Oh, you gotta be kidding me! You should see how fast my Touchdown Tortes go at my parties! Almost as fast as my Cornerback Kickoff Nachos!

What’s in those?

Three bags of Doritos brand tortilla chips, two cans of Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom Soup, a sack of Nabisco Chips Ahoy, a big ol’ soup ladle…

Please tell me you don’t eat the soup ladle.

Of course not! You use the soup ladle to smash the ingredients together, mix ’em up, and pour out the mixture into ice cube trays. Stick toothpicks in the goop and two hours later, you’ve got little gooey nacho-sicles for everyone!

I think I’m gonna be sick…

Not before you’ve had my awesome Safety-Mini-Burger! Get a package of frozen White Castle hamburgers, cover them in Hershey’s chocolate syrup, and garnish with slices of Pollyo String Cheese!

Do you even like food? Or people?

Hey, where I come from, this stuff is prime tailgating eats! Wash it down with a Turbine Turbo Bomb, and you got yourself a party!

Dare I ask what’s in a Turbine Turbo Bomb.

Some Absolut Vanilla Vodka, a little Coca Cola, and a few Circus Peanuts and Marshmallow Peeps floating on top. Goes down like candy!

It sounds like it is candy.

Yeah, I wouldn’t recommend it for diabetics or anyone with a heart condition.

What about somebody who’s trying to eat healthy. Do you have anything for them?

Sure! I’ve got my Fifteen Yard Facemask Penalty Lite Nachos. That’s Quaker Rice Cakes, covered in delicious Pilsbury Funfetti Frosting.

How on earth is that healthy?

No one who’s eaten it has died yet! To the best of my knowledge.

Do you make anything homemade at all?

Sure, when I make it in my house…

No, I mean, everything you’ve named has all this processed, soulless crap
in it, and you make a point to mention the corporate parent along with it.

…I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you’re getting at.

How about your mini-burgers. Why couldn’t you just buy some meat from a butcher and season it yourself?

A butcher?! What is this, the 1400s or something? Why don’t I just take a horse and buggy down to the dinosaur factory while I’m at it! Who goes to the butcher anymore?

Lots of people do. I go to the butcher all the time.

Yeah, I forgot, you live New York, with all them crazy foreigners. You probably eat organic stuff.

As a matter of fact, yeah, I do try to get organic food when I can.

You know that’s a big ol’ scam, right? There ain’t no such thing as organic food! It’s all just a buncha crap that you bleedin heart tree huggers eat up with a spoon.

How is it a scam?

It just is! I read it somewheres!

Can you cite your source?

How’m I supposed to remember where I read something? All’s I know is, I read it and them’s the facts! So while you’re up there in Man-hattan, sipping chardonnay and eating cruelty-free saltines, us real Americans have to get by on real American food, like Malomars and pancake-wrapped sausages.

Maybe if more people insisted on organic food and went to local butchers
instead of buying the garbage you just named, things would change.

Oh, you’re one of them change people. Throwin bricks at Starbucks, huh? Real Americans don’t protest stuff they hate! In America, you take lemons and you make shiny, fat-filled lemonade! Like my Placekicker Super-Subs. I take fifteen Smucker’s Crustables, and I attach them to each other with duct tape…

Stop. Just, stop.

You didn’t even let me get to the part where I bring in the deep-fried pixie sticks.

/vomit