Jay Mariotti is here, ready to light up AOL Fanhouse with his unique brand sarcastic humor and avoiding locker room confrontation. Where’s my desk? Where’s the cafeteria? Do you guys have a Good Humour vending machine?

Um, Jay, I’m afraid you misunderstood. When we offered you a job, it wasn’t at AOL Fanhouse, it was at AOL Fun House!

AOL Fun House? What’s that?

Why, it’s only the most radical, awesomest house of all! And here’s the guy who put the fun in AOL Fun House, J.D. Roth!

Thanks, Tiny! Who do we have on the site today?

It’s Jammin’ Jay Mariotti from Chicago!

Awesome! What do you like to collect, Jay?

Grudges. I’ve got Ozzie Guillen, Kenny Williams, Eddie Einhorn…

Wow,
that’s great! Our first challenge is called Meeny Miney Mudsling. You
have to impugn a famous athlete’s character for no reason except for
some slight, real or imagined, they perpetrated on you. And you have to
do it while we pelt you with buckets of chicken fat and half-melted
M&Ms.

Okay,
let’s see, Jim Thome…ow…everyone says he’s a good guy…oof!…and
I have no reason to think otherwise…ouch..or do I?…Jesus, I think I
swallowed some…

Wow,
you’re a totally awesome sport, Jammin’ Jay! Now it’s time to run
through the FUN HOUSE! Tiny, tell Jammin’ Jay what he can win!

Run
up to the poop deck and make up shit about Michael Jordan to win a
brand new Lonestar Home Recording Studio! Then slide down the soda can
slide and kick Mike Ditka in the face, and you can win a year’s supply
of Lipton Cup of Noodle Soup! Then…

Wait
a minute, I just want to write bitchy, unfounded attacks on people
who’ll never have a chance to confront me! All this physical activity
is way too much for my sportswriter’s bones!

But you can’t leave the site now, Jammin’ Jay! Then you’ll miss out on your free pair of British Knights and Gitano sportswear!

No,
I’m sorry, if I run through one more vat of lime jello, my lungs will
collapse. I didn’t sign up for this. Isn’t there any less strenuous way
to break into online journalism?

I guess you could always try AOL Steampipe Alley.

/Joan Rivers impression
/Gloria Swanson impression
/campy gay references sailing way over preteens’ heads

Yup, this is definitely more my speed.