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Videocracy

YouTubery Friday: “Miracles” and Tiger Woods Parody

It’s Friday! Procrastinate and count down to happy hour with these lovely bits.

Earlier this week, a video debuted for a song by esteemed musicians Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope–collectively known as the Insane Clown Posse. It was immediately shared across the Twitterverse and the Faced-Book pages as an example of majestic stupidity.

By now, pointing out ICP’s lack of talent or smarts is–while incredibly easy and fun–almost cliche. Between The Best Show’s skewering of The Gathering of the Juggalos, Saturday Night Live‘s take on a suspiciously similar subject, and general internet snark, this is not exactly uncharted comedic territory. And even though they have a cult audience, they’re not chart toppers, so mocking them seems pointless and a little mean.

But this video…holy goddamn, this thing is…words fail.

Truth be told, it’s not really the video itself, which has some cheesy graphics but isn’t all that funny on its own. No, it’s the song featured in the video, “Miracles”. It’s about the extraordinary features of everyday life. It sounds like a musical version of a Mitch Albom book, but with tons of F-bombs.

Kudos to ICP for trying to get deep, but very few things mentioned in this video count as “miracles”. Almost all of them can be explained with some basic science. That doesn’t prevent Shaggy 2 Dope from wondering, “Fuckin’ magnets, how do they work?” And Violent J shares his tale of the time a seagull in San Francisco stole his cell phone, which is less of a miracle and more of mildly amusing anecdote.

But maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m the jaded, cynical one. Maybe I’m the guy just can’t see the miracles of “fuckin rainbows” and “pet dogs and cats”. Watch the video and judge for yourself.

Have you see the new Tiger Woods Nike commercial? You’ll love it if you like Inappropriate. In it. the disembodied voice of Tiger’s father, Earl Woods, admonishes him, as the camera slowly pulls in on his face as he looks stoic and competitive. Did you know Earl Woods is dead? Yeah, he’s dead. That, plus Tiger’s dead-eyed stare, make this really uncomfortable to watch.

Naturally, this has inspired almost as many re-workings as the bunker scene in Downfall. My favorite: This one, which uses a certain speech from Shawshank Redemption. (This is un-embeddable, but I forgive you, whoever you are.)

Sports

Tiger Woods Is Ready for His Apology

tigerwoods.jpgThank you for coming today, selected members of the media. I called you here because I trust you, and I know you can speak and act on behalf of your fellow journalists. So without further ado, I want to announce to you and the rest of the world that I’m ready for my apology. Yes, I am ready for all of you to apologize to me.

You know how Babe Ruth used to go drinking and whoring all the time? Yeah, you know that now, but you didn’t know that when he was playing. Imagine if you found that out in 1930-whatever. That shit woulda ruined your world.

That’s what you guys did with me, to children worldwide. So, thanks for that.

And while you’re at it, apologize to the sport of golf, ’cause you guys ruined that, too. Before me, you know who the biggest star in golf was? No, you don’t, because NOBODY FUCKING WATCHED GOLF BEFORE ME. Except the oldest and richest douchebags. Nice demographic to have, huh? Golf really nailed it with people that everyone else on Earth hopes gets hit by a bus.

Here’s a history lesson: biggest star in golf before I showed up was John Daly. John Fuckin’ Daly. Have you seen that guy? Jesus. It’s like if Rex Ryan and Billy Carter had love child born without an essential chromosome. If that guy died in a bar fight or a meth lab explosion, would you be the least surprised?

How many women did I fuck? As many as you would if you were the most popular athlete in the world. Did I cheat on my wife? That’s between me and my wife. Oh wait, no it isn’t, because YOU ASSHOLES THREW MY DIRTY LAUNDRY OUT IN THE STREET.

I will accept an apology from one appointed representative of the press, in either written or oral form. You may lay any tributes or offerings on the altar to my right.

Those of you on my shit list–and you know who you are–if you wanna get back on my good side, you’re in luck! Today’s the first day of Ass Kissing Season! Line forms at my rear, boys.

Sports

Tiger Woods Refuses to Talk to Police Without Endorsement Deal

tigerwoods.jpgORLANDO, FL–In a written statement, pro golfer Tigers Woods says he will not speak with the Florida Highway Patrol regarding his car accident last Friday until he reaches an endorsement deal with the law enforcement agency.

“It is the stated policy of Tiger Woods not to speak with any entity, be it a corporation, network, or public service department, until a proper contract has been arrived at by both parties for appropriate compensation,” began the statement, as read to the press by Woods’ chief legal counsel. “My record on this issue will speak for itself. For instance, I did not speak at the Fusion Sharp Edges Corporate Retreat before I signed an exclusive appearance deal with Gillette.”

Sergeant John Sanchez of the Florida Highway Patrol responded by stating, “Our department has attempted to accommodate Mr. Woods and his busy schedule to the best of our abilities. Unfortunately, he insists his time is completely booked solid through 2013. He did suggest buying tickets to The Masters, but he couldn’t guarantee an direct audience unless we upgraded to the AmEx Heroes Charge In package, which would deplete our annual budget.

“Mr. Woods could clear all of this up immediately,” Sanchez continued, “by simply releasing the 911 tapes relevant to the incident. Unfortunately, the rights to those tapes were sold to ESPN.” Sanchez then asked reporters if any of them had an Insider account he could borrow.

Asked to comment on the controversy, CBS Sports president Sean McManus plugged up both of his ears, crouched in the corner of his office, and loudly yelled “LA LA LA, I’M NOT LISTENING!”