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NFL to Monitor Excessive Offseason Celebrations

Thumbnail image for sbxlv.pngDALLAS–NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell warned members of the Super Bowl champion Green Bay Packers that he would closely monitor excessive celebrations this offseason. Players have been cautioned that should be respectful when enjoying the fruits of their hard-won victory between February and September.

“Members of the NFL’s competition committee will be keeping a close eye on the Packers from now until training camp,” Goodell said during an on-field postgame press conference immediately at the end of regulation. “We want to ensure that all post-Super Bowl celebrations are tasteful and sportsmanlike.”

Under new NFL excessive celebration rules, each player on the winning team is only allowed to hoist the Lombardi trophy once, and only “with both arms, at a height not to exceed two inches above the top of the head.” Players are also limited to “the spraying of no more than two bottles of moderately priced champagne, at a radius of no more than 1.5 feet away from the player’s person.”

But the regulations do not stop at the post-game locker room celebration. “Players are reminded that homecoming celebrations after the Super Bowl should be limited to one dinner with immediate family members at an NFL-approved chain restaurant,” Goodell noted. “Your NFLPA rep should have a list of such restaurants handy. You are also limited to one vacation, domestic only, not to exceed two weeks, preferably at an NFL-sanctioned family resort.”

The Packers made clear their compliance with their new rules. Players celebrated on the field by exchanging hearty handshakes, but no hugs (which could have resulted in severe penalties). Coach Mike McCarthy announced that upon returning to Green Bay, the team would commemorate their win with a trip to CiCi’s Pizza. In preparation for a victory parade, Jim Schmitt, the town’s mayor, has submitted all confetti to the league office to make sure it meets regulation ticker-tape standards.

The NFL instituted the excessive celebration rules last year after it was discovered that some Saints players had used their offseason to throw large parties for family and friends. At these revels, voices were reportedly raised and laughs rung out at levels described by witnesses as “kind of loud”. Other players took pictures of themselves with the Lombardi trophy that showed, in the words of Goodell, “an inordinate amount of joy and self-satisfaction.”

“Winning the Super Bowl is a privilege, not a right,” Goddell said. “Teams who forget this will face suspensions, loss of draft picks, and my scornful, icy glare.”

Fans Dazzled by NFL’s Super Bowl Super Concussion Pavilion

Thumbnail image for sbxlv.pngDALLAS–Fans in town for the Big Game have raved about a brand new feature at the Fan Fest, the NFL Super Bowl Super Concussion Pavilion. The multimedia experience, in the words of commissioner Roger Goodell, “pays tribute to the role of concussions in the game we love so much, in all their brain-jarring, blackout-inducing glory.”

“Whether they’re caused by a vicious helmet-to-helmet hit or a seemingly innocent tumble to the turf, concussions are an essential part of the fabric of football,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell in a press release. “Fans will want to make sure to stop in at the NFL Super Bowl Super Concussion Pavilion to catch this literally spine-tingling program.”

Those who attend are first treated to a newly produced video of Dan Lauria as Vince Lombardi, reciting some of the legendary coach’s most famous lines while urging his woozy players back into the game. It also features footage of Pittsburgh’s fearsome Steel Curtain defense of the 1970s, and CAT scans of the tragically high levels of tau buildup in its members’ gray matter.

The film then transitions to a montage of this season’s most brutal concussions and their aftermaths, such as players vomiting uncontrollably and waking up in strange locations with no memory of the past few hours. But most fans we spoke to were most excited about the dark-ride part of the program

“It’s amazing!” raved Packers fan Tim Johnson of Eau Claire, Wisconsin. “You get in this little train thingy, kinda like a haunted house ride. Then you go through a dark tunnel with strobe lights and these holograms of football helmets that look like they’re coming right at you!  Meanwhile, the PA system blares KidzBop songs that randomly slow down and speed up, and Broadway showtunes run backwards. When I got out, I felt like lying on the floor for several hours. It was awesome!”

The NFL had hoped to use some of the game’s most frequently concussed players in the pavilion, either as greeters or doorstops. However, many of those invited simply forgot about the event or were too perturbed by incessant buzzing in their ears to attend. But the pavilion has been visited frequently by Junior Seau, who at age 41 is the oldest living linebacker in NFL history.

Not everyone is pleased by the NFL’s program. “I find this ‘celebration’ of concussions to be completely insulting,” said NFL Players’ Association president DeMaurice Smith. “It makes a mockery of the pain of many of our members and does nothing to address the serious problem of former players who can’t pay for their medical bills. Seems like somebody should do something about that.”

Skitch Hanson’s Big Adventure

I was hoping to get Skitch Hanson to write a post on the Super Bowl, like he’s done for this site for several years running. Unfortunately, it seems like Skitch has taken the proverbial wrong turn at Albuquerque on his way to The Big Game. According to his Twitter feed in the last 24 hours or so, he’s gotten way off course, as you can see below.

I sure hope he gets out of this pickle okay! But if you want to see if he does, you should probably catch Skitch on Twitter here.

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