Tag Archives: roger goodell

Football

Nation’s Bookies Reject NFL’s Appeal

THE POOL HALL–In a huge blow to commissioner Roger Goodell’s efforts to extend the NFL lockout, the league’s appeal of a federal judge’s ruling has been rejected by a council of the nation’s bookies. In affirming the lower court’s decision, the bookies stated that “it’s in the best interest of everyone that we get this shit done, pronto.”

“Training don’t start, preseason don’t start,” said council member Joey Legs at a press conference convened inside Cue Shotz Pool Hall, next to the one working pay phone. “Preseason don’t start, can’t start makin’ odds. I don’t make odds, people don’t bet, I’m broke. Cuz whether I make money or I don’t, I still gotta kick upstairs. The Big Man don’t wanna hear about no lockout. Simple, right? Yeah, real simple, ya fuckwads.”

“We got the fuckin draft starting tonight,” said council member Frankie Beans, who emerged from bathroom mid press conference. “You know how many people woulda come to me with first round picks if it weren’t for this lockout shit. Madon’!”

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell vowed he would appeal the bookies’ decision, but the council believed it was in the league’s best interest to drop any further legal challenges. “Why does this asshole think people watch football, cuz it’s fun?” said council member Danny. “They watch it cuz they all got paychecks ridin on it. What, this ginger asswipe don’t wanna make money.”

Nonetheless, Goddell promised he would go forward with more appeals of the federal court’s decision, and also said, “the ‘ginger asswipe’ remark was unnecessary. I ain’t been nothin but straight with Danny.”

With the NFL matter ruled on, the bookies’ council will now turn its attention to when the hell you plan on getting them their money.

Football

Judge Ends NFL Lockout, Orders Players to Pummel One Another

MINNEAPOLIS–A federal judge officially ended the NFL lockout on Monday and ordered all of its players to “recommence pummeling one another with all due expediency.” In her ruling, Judge Susan Richard Nelson remarked that NFL commissioner Roger Goodell had violated players’ rights by “denying them the protections of collective bargaining, and robbing them of the ability to beat each other senseless.”

“This is a great day for NFL players’ rights, for the fans, and for old school ass whuppin’,” said NFLPA president DeMaurice Smith upon hearing of the decision. “By siding with the players, the court has definitively said the owners were in the wrong when they enjoined us from causing catastrophic harm to each other.”

Commissioner Goodell vowed to appeal the decision. “The league feels the judge has erred in her decision and we will continue to seek redress in all legal avenues at the league’s disposal. However, we want to stress that though we may disagree on a few points, the NFL’s owners and my office share with players the desire to see them back on the field killing each other. No one wants to see players crushing bones and causing traumatic head injuries more than we do.”

Despite the ruling, players are still not allowed to practice at team facilities until the judge’s decision is clarified, and until the NFL’s appeal can be filed. During that time, Smith advised players “to continue their usual off season training regimens and murder each other at off-site locations.”

Football

NFL to Monitor Excessive Offseason Celebrations

Thumbnail image for sbxlv.pngDALLAS–NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell warned members of the Super Bowl champion Green Bay Packers that he would closely monitor excessive celebrations this offseason. Players have been cautioned that should be respectful when enjoying the fruits of their hard-won victory between February and September.

“Members of the NFL’s competition committee will be keeping a close eye on the Packers from now until training camp,” Goodell said during an on-field postgame press conference immediately at the end of regulation. “We want to ensure that all post-Super Bowl celebrations are tasteful and sportsmanlike.”

Under new NFL excessive celebration rules, each player on the winning team is only allowed to hoist the Lombardi trophy once, and only “with both arms, at a height not to exceed two inches above the top of the head.” Players are also limited to “the spraying of no more than two bottles of moderately priced champagne, at a radius of no more than 1.5 feet away from the player’s person.”

But the regulations do not stop at the post-game locker room celebration. “Players are reminded that homecoming celebrations after the Super Bowl should be limited to one dinner with immediate family members at an NFL-approved chain restaurant,” Goodell noted. “Your NFLPA rep should have a list of such restaurants handy. You are also limited to one vacation, domestic only, not to exceed two weeks, preferably at an NFL-sanctioned family resort.”

The Packers made clear their compliance with their new rules. Players celebrated on the field by exchanging hearty handshakes, but no hugs (which could have resulted in severe penalties). Coach Mike McCarthy announced that upon returning to Green Bay, the team would commemorate their win with a trip to CiCi’s Pizza. In preparation for a victory parade, Jim Schmitt, the town’s mayor, has submitted all confetti to the league office to make sure it meets regulation ticker-tape standards.

The NFL instituted the excessive celebration rules last year after it was discovered that some Saints players had used their offseason to throw large parties for family and friends. At these revels, voices were reportedly raised and laughs rung out at levels described by witnesses as “kind of loud”. Other players took pictures of themselves with the Lombardi trophy that showed, in the words of Goodell, “an inordinate amount of joy and self-satisfaction.”

“Winning the Super Bowl is a privilege, not a right,” Goddell said. “Teams who forget this will face suspensions, loss of draft picks, and my scornful, icy glare.”