Tag Archives: kookadooks

Church Leader Appreciates Timing of Rapture

rapture.jpgBAKERSFIELD, CA–The controversial minister of an evangelical church, who predicts The Rapture will occur this year, says this celestial event “couldn’t have come at a better time.”

“Our world has earned its own destruction by turning its back on our lord and savior,” said Rev. Jebediah Montrose, leader Eternal Life Forever Ministries. “And I also appreciate the Almighty bringing about this destruction when I’ve just begun to realize my own mortality.”

Using a unique interpretation of Biblical prophecy, Rev. Montrose determined that on September 19, 2011, the righteous will ascend to heaven while sinners will remain on Earth. “Which, as it turns out, is the exact point at which my own earthly life would reach its apex, after which my body and mind would begin their steady decline towards death.”

The reverend said he first began to suspect the world would end soon “when I noticed my bald spot had grown to such Leviathan proportions that it required a comb over. Who would want to live in such world. Oh, and the sin. All the sin, too.”

“God has condemned us for our wicked ways,” he said. “The day will come when all sinners will weep and gnash their teeth, knowing their blasphemy has condemned them to eternal damnation. The day will also come when I’ll be doddering around like an old man, unable to control my bodily functions, and praying for the sweet release of death. But thank the Lord He has chosen to end this wicked world before that day comes!”

Montrose said he determined The Rapture would begin on such a specific date “once I figured out how many good years I really have left, and saw there wouldn’t be many. I studied the prophecies of Ezekiel and The Book of Revelation, and calculated that if Armageddon didn’t begin soon, I might not be around to see it. I don’t think God would allow such insanity.”

The reverend’s predictions have spurred widespread condemnation, even among fellow evangelicals. “That this man would proclaim God has ordained a specific time for the end of the world is extremely upsetting,” said Leroy Jenkins, president of Praiseways Baptist Ministries. “Especially since I’d like to think I have a good decade left in me, at least. I believe I have a special relationship with God, earned through service and prayer, and He has assured me that this world shall not end at least until I purchase my first boat.”

Jenkins pointed out that Montrose had previously predicted The Rapture would occur during 1995. “I fully admit my error,” Montrose responded. “My calculations were incorrect and not thoroughly checked. And also, I was going through some stuff at the time, and I thought ascending into heaven would’ve really taken care of a few things.”

“God does not bow to our earthly dictates. He shall act in the hour and the manner of his choosing. But I am truly grateful He has chosen to act at the most convenient possible time for me.”

“I Now Recognize the Distinguished Gentlemen from Crazytown”

pelosi.jpgBefore we take vote on this historic health care reform legislation, I yield some time on the floor to the cream of the Republican kookadook crop. First up, the distinguished gentleman from Georgia, Representative Paul Broun.

paulbroun.jpgThis just ain’t health care reform they’re passin, folks. This is the second great war of Yankee aggression! And I for one ain’t gonna stand for it! I’ve bought a Civil War-era musket, I’m workin on a beard, and I’ve written a soulful, somber letter back home to my wife, which I request be recited by Robert Duvall.

pelosi.jpgYour time is up, Mr. Broun. I now yield time to the distinguished gentleman from Iowa, Representative Steve King.

steveking.jpgThe fact that this bill is being voted on on a Sunday, during Lent, I find this an affront to God. Because this year for Lent, I gave up giving a shit about other human beings.

Continue reading “I Now Recognize the Distinguished Gentlemen from Crazytown”

The Constitution Protects My Small Arsenal

militia.jpgExcuse me, I’d like to enter this presidential town hall meeting. What seems to be the hold up?

Whoah, since when am I not allowed to bring a weapon into a town hall meeting? Last time I checked, this was still America!

Yes, I do have multiple weapons on me. I can’t just walk in here with just one! A single handgun might be good enough for Sunday mass or my son’s soccer game, but this is a town hall meeting we’re talking about here!

I don’t know how you could interpret this array of weaponry as some sort of threat to the president. All I want to do is brandish several firearms well within firing range of our commander-in-chief. Since when is that a crime?!

The Constitution protects might right to free speech, and the Constitution protects my right to bear arms. Therefore, it protects my right to exercise both of those rights simultaneously. I came hear to have my voice heard. And I find people pay closer attention to me when I’m heavily armed.

This canister? It contains homemade napalm. Nothing beats homemade, I always say. People are so desensitized to guns these days, what with all the violent movies and TV shows and so on. Sometimes you need access to jellied incendiaries that can melt a man’s face off. You know, to really get your point across.

You’re looking at me as if I’m some kind of a crackpot! All I want to do is attend this presidential town hall meeting and express my concerns about the national health care plan. And also ask the president how he bribed the Kenyan government to hide his real birth certificate.

Is it me? Am I the crazy one here? Because I really don’t understand why you’d be so concerned about me bringing several assault rifles, napalm, and a catapult to this town hall meeting where the president will also be in attendance.

Yes, I have a catapult. Don’t tell me I can’t bring that in, either!

Fine, I’ll leave. But I’d appreciate it if you’d hand the president this weirdly shaped envelope leaking white powder.