STUDIO 60 ON ROOSEVELT AVENUE
EPISODE 11
WRITTEN COMPLETELY BY AARON SORKIN TOTALLY ALONE AND UNDER GREAT DURESS
RELIVE THE EXCITING INAUGURAL SEASON!
PILOT | EPISODE 2 | EPISODE 3 | EPISODE 4 |
EPISODE 5 | EPISODE 6 | EPISODE 7 | EPISODE 8
EPISODE 9 | EPISODE 10
LOGLINE: Once the nation’s best and most respected baseball GM, Sandy Alderson has been reduced to trying to revive a moribund franchise in the depths of deepest, darkest Queens. Along with his sharp-witted and adoring protégés, he fights off the seemingly endless series of controversies and crises that beset him while trying to run a sports team in the country’s most bustling metropolis, and still look fantastic while doing it. Can the pressures of such an important job crush this singularly talented and gifted individual genius?
ACT I
SANDY ALDERSON enters the front office through a large set of glass doors and is immediately flanked by J.P. RICCIARDI, PAUL DEPODESTA, and MACKENZIE CARLIN, who trail him as he walks through the office
ALDERSON
So what’s the bad news, chums?
RICCIARDI
A Native American civil rights group believes our stadium was built on a Seminole burial ground.
ALDERSON
Inform them there were never Seminole tribes in this area but we have the utmost respect for their ancient and sacred beliefs nonetheless. Next?
DEPODESTA
Our new third baseman wants a patch on his uniform to commemorate Jerry Garcia.
ALDERSON
If he can sew it on himself, he’s welcome to. Next?
CARLIN
The city’s board of health has traced an outbreak of swine flu back to one of our concession stands.
ALDERSON
Then I guess we’re sending out for pizza today. Is that all? Sounds like an easy day, by my standards.
CARLIN
No, there is also a huge guy in a muscle tee in your office, demanding to speak with you.
ALDERSON
We didn’t lead with that, huh?
CARLIN
Always put your best stuff last.
ALDERSON enters his office and sees JOSE CANSECO sitting at his desk, feet up, frantically mashing a cable remote and flipping through channels on a large wall-mounted flat screen. An enormous, messy meatball sub sits on the desk. CANSECO is wearing very faded zubaz and a muscle tee that stops just above a protruding gut.
CANSECO
Do you guys get the pay porn channels here? I think this girl I knew in rehab is gonna be on one of ‘em in like five minutes.
ALDERSON
By all means, make yourself at home.
CANSECO
I already have.
ALDERSON
Yes, clearly. I was being…never mind. What do you want?
CANSECO
Don’t you wish they could make, like, a buffalo meatball? You got buffalo wings and buffalo chicken sandwiches but no buffalo meatballs? How come nobody’s done that yet? I would eat the hell out of a buffalo meatball sub. I’d eat the hell out of two of ‘em. Not even blink, man. I don’t care what I do.
ALDERSON
What do you want from me, Jose?
CANSECO
Remember when we talked in the parking lot the other day, Sandy?
ALDERSON
Yes, I recall you scaring me half to death, then ending our meeting with a vague threat.
CANSECO
C’mon, that’s all water over the bridge. I’m here because I can help you, Sandy.
ALDERSON
Yes, my office was dangerously low on marinara stains. I appreciate you helping out in that department.
CANSECO
No, in the playoff hunt! If you guys wanna make a run at the championship cup, you’re gonna need a bat like mine in your lineup.
ALDERSON
You do realize that at this point in the season, we can’t add any more players, because if we did, we’d have to expose someone on our 40-man roster to waivers, which…what am I saying, of course you don’t realize that.
CANSECO
Just gimme a tryout, Sandy. Let me prove there’s still some sugar left in this gas tank!
ALDERSON
Why do you even want to play baseball again? You look like you’ve been exercising to a John Belushi workout routine.
CANSECO
Because I miss it, Sandy. The crowds, the cheers, and yeah, even the boos. I miss the way I felt when I would walk out on a baseball field—alive, truly alive. I haven’t felt that way in years, and I want to feel it again, even if it’s just once before I die. And I also have at least three exes on my ass for child support payments. They repossessed my PS3, man!
ALDERSON
Fine. I’ll call up the coaches and scouts and get them to…
CANSECO
No, Sandy, I want you to give me a tryout. Throw me some BP. It’ll be just like old times!
ALDERSON
I never threw batting practice in Oakland.
CANSECO
I mean the old times the way they oughta be!
ALDERSON
[sighs] Fine, just give me a minute.
ALDERSON skirts around the desk and grabs the doorknob for his private bathroom.
CANSECO
I wouldn’t go in there. Someone clogged it up real good.
ALDERSON
Was that someone you?
CANSECO
I’m not sayin’ nothing. I ain’t no snitch!
