Republicans blast health care reform when it fails to prevent millions of Americans from dying of a mysterious ailment called “natural causes”!

Our preconceived notions of self are challenged when scientists discover we only use 10 percent of our feet!

Glenn Beck will debate the wisdom of hoarding gold in a live debate against the corpse of William Jennings Bryan!

A surge in patriotism forces IHOP to change its name to The Domestic-Only House of Pancakes!

Lady Gaga declares herself the 51st state, and Congress proves powerless to stop her!

The Ford Sojourn debuts, a brand new car that can 100 miles on a single tank of gas, but only in reverse!

Jay Leno wins back his audience with a nightly classic car wreck! Millions tune in to see if the talk show host will be seriously injured!

Iran definitively proves it has no ambitions to make nuclear weapons when Mahmoud Ahmedinejad “pinkie swears” so to UN inspectors!

A hot new restaurant will make a big splash with an all-ramen menu!

In effort to keep World Series ratings from dipping even further, commissioner Bud Selig orders the Yankees to play themselves in The Fall Classic!

Urban fashion trendsetters start wearing spats, “just to fuck with everybody”!

At some point, every person in America will think to themselves, “Wait, wasn’t Tiger Woods in trouble for something a while back?”!