Tag Archives: father’s day

What Are We Getting Dad for Father’s Day This Year?

  • Whatever World War II movie is in the bin next to the cash register at Duane Reade
  • Moving back into his rec room
  • New Craftsman ratchet set, with a carrying case that stacks perfectly on top of last year’s ratchet set
  • Watching a ballgame on the couch together in complete silence
  • A teddy bear wearing a tie for some fucking reason
  • Four pounds of bacon
  • Poem about how his emotional distance made you afraid to trust, delivered to freshman composition class
  • The biggest, golf-iest coffee table book on the Barnes and Noble clearance stack
  • Dinner out at “the good Applebees” (the one not in the mall)
  • A Barbie because Barbies are pretty mommy we should get one
  • Biting tongue until it bleeds when asked “Is that what you’re wearing?”
  • Insulin
  • Lengthy, unprompted dinnertime lecture on the superiority of Scandanavian-style socialism
  • The highest-priced cologne Caldors has to offer, preferably with a cowboy-hat top
  • Some god damn peace and quiet, for Christ’s sake
  • Tickets to the local amphitheater to see that weird old singer he likes; you know, the one with the beard?
  • Allowing him to change the oil on your car before that shitbox of yours breaks down in the ghetto or something, god forbid
  • Notarized DNR order