Tag Archives: fashion

The New Hotness, God Help Us

One great thing about living in NYC (among many) is that you get to see fashion in progress. I don’t mean Bryant Park during Fashion Week, or guys pushing garment racks down 7th Avenue. I mean, you see the future fashions of the world exhibited by the eternal fount of all style: urban teenagers.

F’rinstance, the current steez amongst teens in this city is a sort of mutant hip-hop/punk rock/rockabilly hybrid. Ed Hardy-mania is its most obvious manifestation. Nowadays, kids in Brooklyn dress like a weird mix of Jay-Z and Mike Ness.

This hasn’t taken hold everywhere, near as I can tell, but I’m guessing it won’t be too long before it does. And I, for one, am totally on board with it. This is probably the first time since I’ve been alive that I’ve thought, “I actually like the way teenagers dress right now!”

But that train of thought came to a screeching halt this morning. Because I saw a kid this morning on Atlantic Avenue, dressed in all black (hoodie, jeans), holding a matching murse.

Not a messenger bag, or a laptop bag. It couldn’t possibly be slung over his shoulder. In fact, I would even hesitate to call this thing a murse.  It was no bigger than small grapefruit, and he held it with as few fingers as possible. It was a man-clutch.

Mind you, this kid was not even the slightest bit precious. He totally had the look of someone who would beat you up for thinking about thinking about messing with him.

I don’t hate this idea because it’s girly. I hate it because it’s so dumb and impractical. Like when punk/emo kids were doing that ear stretching thing a few years back. Do they still do that? Please tell me they don’t still do that.

Google tells me that at least some kids still do this. C’mon, kids, cut it out.

My plea to the kids of NYC: You were doing so good on the fashion front. Please do not adopt the man-clutch. Thank you.

What Not to Wear and the Final Solution for Fashion

whatnot1.jpgGod, look at this girl!
whatnot2.jpgAre you sure it’s a girl? She looks more like the love child of Margaret Thatcher and a month-old jack-o-lantern!
whatnot1.jpgHer fashion sense is on life support, and I’d love to pull the plug on it!
whatnot2.jpgI’d like to pull the plug on her ! Look at that huge ass! That thing’s got its own zip code!
whatnot1.jpgWhere’d she get those pants, Old Gravy?
whatnot2.jpgIf I had to wear outfits like hers, I’d pop a cyanide capsule straight into my mouth.
whatnot1.jpgExcept if you were her, you couldn’t fit it because there’d be too many Ring Dings in the way!
whatnot2.jpgHer whole look makes me want to vomit, but I’m afraid if I did, she’d lap it up like the dog she is!
whatnot1.jpgRuff ruff! Forget the makeover, we should just put her to sleep! How would you put Ol’ Smeller down?
whatnot2.jpgI’d slit her throat, but I think butter would come out instead of blood!
whatnot1.jpgI’d shoot her, but the bullet might just get lost in all her fat folds!
whatnot2.jpgMaybe if we wait, nature will take its course, and she’ll go out choking on a ham sandwich, Mama Cass-style.
whatnot1.jpgGod, I hate women!
whatnot2.jpgGod, me too!
whatnot1.jpgNot all women, of course. Just the poor ones.
whatnot2.jpgOh God, I hate poor women. Don’t they know dry-clean only clothes just look better?
whatnot1.jpgI know, right? Fat women drive me nuts, too. If
you can’t stop stuffing your face, just get some liposuction, or stay
indoors! You’re blocking the sun for the rest of us!
whatnot2.jpgIf I could, I would so round up all the
fat and poor women in America. Herd them into the same neighborhoods,
make them wear patches on their tacky outfits so we can keep track of
them…
whatnot1.jpgYeah! Then I’d send them off to special camps in
the country, where they would totally work 18 hours a day for no pay!
That’ll teach ’em!
whatnot2.jpgThen when they’re too weak to work anymore, we can execute them all!
whatnot1.jpgBut why waste precious bullets on them? Just round them up in gas chambers and choke them to death! It’s more efficient!
whatnot2.jpgYou’ve thought about this a lot, haven’t you?
whatnot1.jpgOh my God, every waking moment!
whatnot2.jpgIt’s fun to dream, huh?
whatnot1.jpgSomeday, mi amigo, someday. Now let’s see what her fat friends had to say…

Attention All Personnel: Incoming Fashion!

cojocaru.jpgHere to preview this fall’s hottest fashions is Ivan Billotte, design guru/professional gay stereotype perpetuator.

I’m back, darlings! Autumn is my favorite time of year, except for all the others when I get paid to tell women what to wear! The leaves are changing, the temps are dropping, so you know what that means: The top designers unveil their latest soups!

Look: You can’t be seen out there with just any soup, can you? Of course not! You want to walk around with some Chicken And Stars on your arm? What is this, the Midwest? Or get caught in a deli sipping Split Pea And Ham like some homeless Nebraskan? Gag me!

Luckily, you won’t have to make decisions for yourself! I got a sneak peek at all the latest brews at the annual opening of Soup Week here in Manhattan, and honey, I’m gonna set you straight on the hottest soups this season! They’re gonna warm you up–with fashion!

Carrot Ginger, Cosi: I tell you, everyone, but everyone was waiting to catch a glimpse of this one on the runway. We were not disappointed. So bold with the orange, but so right! And the tartness of the ginger brings it right back around. Just the kind of saucy number for a take-no-prisoners night on the town! Mm-mm good!

Seafood Bisque, Au Bon Pain: Smaller bites, Au Bon Pain–you’re ripping off more than you can chew! I pull up my spoon, I see all these little tentacles and bits of clam. Too much! Apparently, they didn’t get the memo–we look to you guys for “simple and unpretentious”, not “swimming with bottom feeders”. Stick to Jalapeno Asiago bagels, honey!

Broccoli and Cheddar, Hale and Hearty: The green, the yellow–it’s almost a little too 70s for me. I was ready to run away screaming, but then this little number came right back from the edge and redeemed itself. Perfect for the office or just kicking it with the girls over Sunday brunch. Accessorize with some oyster crackers, and you’re ready to take on the world, sweetie!

Chicken and Sausage Gumbo, Metro: This was a stunning, just stunning tribute to the victims of Hurricane Katrina. A perfect representation of their fighting, spicy spirit, or something. I really have to hand it to Metro–they really know how to use an enormous human tragedy in order to make soup.

Mulligitawny Soup, The Original Soup Man: I’m sorry, he can call himself “original” all he wants, but I’m pretty sure I had this soup same time last year, girlfriend! Listen, nobody has more respect for him than I do. I don’t think anyone will forget his Italian Wedding Soup back in ’03–he officially declared himself the Jimi Hendrix of little tiny meatballs. But it’s time to stop resting on your laurels and get back to making some soup, snookums!

That’s all for now, lollipops! Check back with my in a few weeks, right around Thanksgiving, when I’ll have my report from the yearly Mashed Potato Proms in Paris!

Ivan Billotte earns his living shaming women and dressing like a retarded 6-year-old scarecrow.

Continue reading Attention All Personnel: Incoming Fashion!